THE COMET 

A PLAY OF OUR TIMES 



EDfVARD DOYLE 





t.*j. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 

COPYRIGHT OFFICE. 

No registration of title of this 
article as a preliminary to copyright 
protection has been found. 

Forwarded to I m^^ \ D\m\on.S-^.-.^c/^^-P-9 



(1 iii, 1906—5,000.) 




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THE COMET 



THE COMET 

Jl ^IcLy of Otu^ Times 



EDWARD DOYLE 




BOSTON 
RICHARD G. BADGER 

The Gorham Press 
1908 



Copyright, 1908, by Edward Doyle 
All Rights Reserved 






to 



Copyright Of rice. 



THE GORHAM PRESS 
BOSTON, U. S. A. 



CHARACTERS 

Rector Hiram Wisdom: The President of Eu- 
reka College and an Astronomer who makes 
the comet his special study. 

Fred Fowler: A student expelled from Eureka 
College for other than the cause assigned. 

Frank Merrit: The victim of the hazing rite. 

Ed. Phelps: The leader of the revolting stu- 
dents, and afterwards, " Rev. Madison 
Wells." 

Jack Baldwin: The chum of Ed. Phelps. 

Hank Smith: A student who personates "Miss 
Amelia." 

John Henry Pighead: The author of the 
Resolutions " on account of which the 
Eureka Students wreak vengeance on the 
Liberal Club. 

Paul Gardner: A poet with unquenchable 
love for his Alma Mater and the father of 
Rebecca Lovehart. 

Mr. Bond: The pillar of the Liberal Club, who 
has assigned everything to his wife, and 
who expects to be appointed the American 
Ambassador at London. 

Rev. Mr. Jones: Rector Wisdom's Curate and 
handy man " spiritually. 



6 THE COMET 

Jim Bowers: An Alderman. 

Mrs. Fowler Bond: The mother of the expelled 
student, a benefactress of Eureka College 
and a Social reformer who holds a mort- 
gage on the Liberal Club. 

Mrs. Haughtyhead: A friend of Mrs. Bond. 

Rebecca Lovehart : The reputed daughter 
of Mr. Pighead, and Fred Fowler's be- 
trothed. 

Dinah: Mr. Pighead's servant. 

The Watchmen and Students: Of Eureka 
College and the members and guests of 
the Liberal Club. 



The Comet 

ACT I 

SCENE I 

{The exterior of Eureka College by night. An 
owl-like hooting is heard coming from the win- 
dows which are dimly lighted. A watchman, 
sandy-whiskered, passes through the grounds, 
swinging a lantern. He staggers toward the 
stoop to get the coffee pot.) 
Voices Singing. 

To whit, to whoo! to whit, to whoo! 

We wise ones know a thing or two. 

If Wisdom had our owlish eyes 

At night-time, he would be more wise 

Than think all comets in the skies. 

To whit, to whoo! to whit, to whoo! 

We wise ones know a thing or two. 
Watchman, (drowsily). 

Don't they suppose a watchman wants to 
sleep ? 

If in a regular asylum, one 

Would know the howlers were straight- 
jacketed 

In padded cells, and comfortably rest; 

But, hang it, not a wink here! not a wink! 
{He lifts the coffee kettle to his mouth, but puts 
it down in disgust). 

They might have sent us down a bigger pot. 



8 THE COMET 

{Two other watchmen, one brown-bearded, 
approach, making desperate attempts to walk 
steady and hold their lanterns.) 
Second Watchman. Is any of that College 
coffee left ? 
{They mumble to themselves and put down their 
lanterns. They stagger, and, endeavoring to 
help each other to stand, they tumble in a heap. 
They try to rise, but soon give up the struggle. 

Ed. Phelps appears with several students, all 
in masks.) 

Phelps. That coffee worked all right. Strip 
them and take 
Their places, fellows, and patrol the grounds. 
Eureka's discipline must be preserved. 
(They disrobe the Watchmen and don the re- 
galia. They remove the victims to the bushes and 
then patrol the grounds with exaggerated gravity. 
The College door is opened by Rev. Mr. 'Jones 
who descends the steps timidly. Phelps hides.) 
Mr. Jones, {m approval of his own judg- 
ment in selecting them). 

That is the kind of watchmen! It were 

worth 
The Rector's while to leave the telescope 
To look at them. The students will not dare 
{He IS rushed upon by the Watchmen who 
poke their lanterns in his face.) 

Watchmen! What do you mean? 
Watchman, {drawing back). Oh! It is you. 
Mr. Jones. 

Yes, it is I. The Rector sent me down 
To tell you, that in case of any trouble — 



THE COMET g 

First Watchman. Leave that to us. 

Second Watchman. You bet! ! 

First Watchman. 
If they attempt 
Their funny work with us — don't be 

around, 
Not even at a window! 

Mr. Jones. But I must. 

Second Watchman. 

Don't! Don't! Now, be advised. 'T is our 

first time 
In quelling a disturbance, and you know, 
We might be nervous, as militia men 
With Creedmore medals, like potato eyes, 
All over them, for target excellence, — 
And hit a head at which we do not aim. 

Mr. Jones, (horrified). 

But Watchmen! surely you do not intend 
To shed a drop of blood ? 

Watchmen. Not of our ov/n. 

Mr. Jones, (almost shrieking). 

You must not think of such a thing! 1 

Watchman. Why no.t ? 

Mr. Jones. 

It would destroy the College for all time! 
And, as I recommended you as men 
Possessing judgment, it would ruin me. 
For I am held accountable for you. 

Second Watchman. 

What does the Rector want ? To have us 

stand 
For targets, and to ring a bellj when struck ? 



10 THE COMET 

Mr. Jones. 

No, No. He simply wants you to arrest 

All the disturbers and imprison them 

Until the morning. 
Watchmen. All .? 
Mr. Jones. 

Yes, every one. 

Remember, Watchmen, that on no account 

Whatever, must the Rector be diverted 

A single instant from the telescope 

During the night. 
First Watchman. 

Say! Why does he not turn 

His telescope from the disorderly stars, 

Right down among his students ? 
Second Watchman. 

Good idea! 

He would not then have any need of us. 
Mr. Jones {gravely). 

Because the telescope is not constructed 

For such a purpose 
Second Watchman. 

Oh! Indeed! I thought 

That it was like a hose. 
Mr. Jones. No. 
Second Watchman. One can learn 

Great things at College. I am not here 
long. 
Mr. Jones. 

Now, Watchmen, bear in mind what I told 
you 

Early this evening. 
First Watchmen. Yes, — not to imbibe. 



THE COMET ii 

Mr. Jones. No. 

Second Watchman. Not to nap. 

Mr. Jones. No, No! To exercise 

Uncommon vigilance, so that no harm 
Shall come to Student Merritt. 

First Watchman. 

Oh, yes! Yes! 
You told us that before. 

Mr. Jones. 

Now, don't forget 

To watch his windows, and if you should see 
His light raised, or put out, haste to his 
room. 

Second Watchman. You bet! 

Mr. Jones. If you discover anyone. 

Arrest him on suspicion, but remember 
On no account disturb the President. 

Watchman. All right. Sir! 

Mr. Jones. 

Now, before I go, I want 

To caution you. The College youth is sly, 

Has all the cunning of the lunatic, 

It grieves me much to sav; so, if you catch 

Any of them, don't mind how much they 

plead, 
Or what they may pretend — 

Watchmen. Leave them to us. 

Mr. Jones. 

But Watchmen! Did not two of you have 
beards ? 

Second Watchman, {laughing). 

The surest thing you know! But we have 
plucked 



12 THE COMET 

Our faces cleaner than a Christmas turkey, 
To see who could shave fastest — on a bet! 
Mr. Jones. 

You should have shaved before you came 
on duty. 
{Mr. Jones reascends the steps and enters the 
College.) 

First Watchman. Close shave. 
Second Watchman. You bet, but nov^ we 

own the grounds! 
Phelps, {reappearing) 

Attention! Take your orders for the night. 
Police the premises — give friendly tips 
To the law-breakers, and grant them pro- 
tection 
In every undertaking. Forward, march! — 
Hist! Order Second. Lift your lantern 

flare 
When moving round, so that the curious eye 
May see that you are faithful to your trust. 
First, circumspect " the wood-pile." For- 
ward! March! 
{They march about, swinging their lanterns. 
Enter six masked students who carry ladders, 
and, placing them against the building under 
Merritt's window, begin to ascend. The College 
door IS opened by Mr. Jones who comes down 
the steps timidly.^ 
Mr. Jones. 

Those were suspicious noises. Watchmen! 
Watchmen! 
Watchman, {approaching). Seize him! 
They grab Mr. Jones). 



THE COMET 13 

Mr. Jones, {amazed). Watchmen! ! 
First Watchman. What brings you out .? 
Mr. Jones. I heard strange noises. 
Watchman. We heard nothing strange. 
Mr. Jones. Look! Look! 

What is that ladder doing there ? 
First Watchman. What ladder ? 
Mr. Jones. There, with the men on it. 
First Watchman. Where ? 
Mr. Jones. There! ! One, two, 

Three, four, five, six, — arrest them! 
First Watchman. Brother Cop, 

Do you see any " ladder ? " Or " six 
men : 
Second Watchman. 

A ladder! Where? I don't see even a 
rung. 
Mr. Jones. 

What! Don't you see them climbing up 
the building ? 
Second Watchman. No! 
First Watchman. {Pulling Mr. Jones). 

Come along! We can't climb buildings 
after 

The monkeys of your over-heated brain. 
Mr. Jones. What do you mean ? 
Second Watchman. 

Now, come along! You talk 

Just like a disappointed politician, 

They call an "out" — " Goo~goo" — "Mug- 
wump" — "reformer — " 

Gazabo who is always seeing ladders 

Set up against the public Mint at night, 



14 THE COMET 

And every rival rascal on a rung. 

Your malady is ladder on the brain. 
Mr. Jones. 

But Watchman! Why do you lay hands on 
me ? 
Second Watchman. 

" Because we know the College youth is sly, 

Has all the cunning of a lunatic, 

It grieves us much to say." 
Mr. Jones. I am no youth, 

But Curate at the Rector's Little Church. 
Second Watchman. What brings you here .? 
Mr. Jones. My duty to the Rector. 
Second Watchman. 

Your duty! Humbug! Is it not enough 

To be the Rector's drudge in parish work ? 

Why do you also do his dirty work 

About the College, spying in and out ? 
Mr. Jones. I do no dirty work. 
Second Watchman. Then you are not 

The curate, Mr. Jones, but student, trying 

To trick us watchmen, but it will not work 
Mr. Jones. 

I am the curate, and besides, I have 

Heart trouble; kindly let me go. 
First Watchman. " Don't mind 

How much he pleads, or what he may pre- 
tend," 

Those are our orders. 
Mr. Jones. Come up to the Rector, 

And he will satisfy you who I am. 
Second Watchman. 

That settles it! you are not Curate Jones, 



THE COMET 15 

For he instructed us most positively, 
On no account whatever, to disturb 
The Rector till the morning. Come along. 
{First and Second Watchmen force Mr. 'Jones 
into the College and shut the door after them. T he 
Third and Fourth Watchmen walk up and down 
the grounds, swinging their lanterns and oblivi- 
ous of what happens about them. Students 
appear at Merritt's window and descend the ladder 
with him blindfolded, gagged and with his arms 
bound by the belfry rope. Other students enter 
with an "infernal machine" and additional para- 
phernalia of the Eurekian hazing rite.) 
Phelps. Where is Fred Fowler .? 
Smith. Not yet back from town. 
Phelps. The shirk! 
Smith. Paul Gardner's guest to-night. 
Baldwin. Two dreamers! 
Smith. Fred's mother, I believe, is to endow 
Eureka with a Chair of Poetry, 
And Gardner sent for Fred to talk it over. — 
Hang me! Fred told me to keep mum on 
that. 
(Two huge rattlesnakes are seen and heard 
crawling along. Merritt is placed on the infernal 
engine and the Students gather around him.) 
Phelps. 

Attach the belfry rope around his legs 
As well as neck, so that the more he kicks, 
The louder will the tocsin tolj for help, — 
An object lesson, verily, of Justice 
Tempered with Mercy! Justice, for no 
man 



i6 THE COMET 

Is better than another at Eureka, 
Nor greater than the Law which we uphold, 
Like Honor, let the cost be what it may. 
Have you unsheathed your bowies ? 
Several Voices. Aye. 
Phelps. Whet them. 

{They whet their knives and Merritt trembles.) 
Now plunge them in the heart of man, or 

beast, 
That dares profane the precinct of our rite. 
{They move off grating their blades.) 

Rise, serpents! Ye that guard the chastity 

Of our procedure! Look this mortal 

through. 

{The Serpents rear and glare in Merritt' s face.) 

Now, lest there lurk an eye that ought not 

see, 
Glide through the grasses, soft as light 
through dew. 
{They drop and glide away.) 

Wouldst thou be worthy of Eureka } Nod. 
{Merritt nods affirmatively.) 
Students. {In ch@rus). Brother! 

{They ungag Merritt and remove the bandage 
from his eyes.) 
Phelps. 

Be philosophic, then, brave brother, 
Under all circumstances. On thy breast 
I pin a diamond, to typify 
Philosophy that, with unbroken smile," 
Meets each and all vicissitudes of life. 
{Puts it on his breast). 

Keep thou it ever on thy breast. Swear! 



THE COMET 17 

Students, (in chorus). Swear! 

Merritt. (tremblingly.) I swear to keep it 
ever on my breast. 

Phelps. 

Here, at Eureka, we demean no man, 
But make him one of our Democracy 
Upon the pledging of his heart and soul 
To high ideals. We give thee this pin, 
With right to pluck it from thee, if thou 

cringe 
To a brute force throughout thy college life, 
And thereby make thy Alma Mater blush. 

Phelps. 

Our ritual, we begin with awe; heed well. 

The Diamond, immortal soul. 

Shines in the part, as in the whole; 

It glows with love of Truth and Scorn of 

guile. 
Impinge this precious stone to pieces. 
Its luminosity increases, 
And ground to dust, it shows its infinite 
smile. 

Baldwin. 

Hence, Neophite of old Eureka, 
If thou wouldst be a bold truth seeker, 
Ungear thy feet of haste and think awhile. 
The Greek Aurora, that is cast 
Upon our sky from the frozen Past, 
Glows with strange rites no sage thought 
infantile. 

Smith. Know that the path to glory lies 

Through swamps and woods 'neath hailing 
skies. 



i8 THE COMET 

And that all must advance in Indian File; 

And, Neophite, recall to mind 

That Fate blindfold's us from behind, 

Like Love, to turn us round and see us 
smile. 
All the Students, {solemnly) 

O Neophite! If word be spoken 

Touching this rite, regard our token 

The burning, serpent eye of doom most 
vile. 

The grass shall move as with the breeze 

And charm the birds from air and trees; 

Laocoon shall perish for his guile. 
Phelps. 

Stand here the whole night long, like Soc- 
rates, 

That all the stars may center on thy head, 

Their influence for good. 
Baldwin. Meanwhile, prepare 

For Death, O Brother! 
All the Students. Death! 
Phelps. For any moment 

May be the crack of doom. 
All the Students. For any moment 

May be the crack of doom. 
Phelps. 

Pass through it stout 

Of spirit, and, upon the other side, 

Look back immortal with contempt of pain. 
Baldwin and Smith. 

Look back immortal with contempt of pain. 
All the Students. 

Look back immortal with contempt of pain. 



THE COMET 19 

{Phelps and hts comrades enter the College and 
many students at the windows, unseen, sing, 
crowing the first and fifth lines like an old rooster 
and the end of the fourth like a young one.) 

Ho — Ho! Ho — Ho — Ho — Ho! Ho 

— Ho! 
What secret do we roosters crow ? 
That amorous Morn doth slyly throw 
His arms around Night's neck. Ho — Ho! 
Ho — Ho! Ho— Ho— Ho — Ho! Ho 

Ho! 

Ho — Ho! Ho — Ho — Ho — Ho! Ho 

—Ho! 
What secret do we roosters crow ? 
That Night, although she cries, "No, no! " 
Melts in his arms. Ho — Ho! Ho — Ho! 
Ho — Ho! Ho — Ho — Ho — Ho! Ho— 
Ho! 
(After a silence of a few seconds, an explosion 
tilts the barrel an which Merritt stands, and he 
swings in the air.) 

{The bell tolls furiously and the college win- 
dows become dark.) 

{The Watchmen, awakened, crawl from under 
the bushes and stare bewildered.) 



20 THE COMET 

SCENE 2 

Exterior of the College in the morning. The 

students are in groups, some pensive and other 

gesticulating. The ladders are lying on the 

ground near the wreck of the infernal machine). 

Students, {humming). 

Oh, why — Oh, why — Oh, why, — Oh, why! 
We sophs as well as seniors cry, 
And all Eureka swells the note — 
Why pick out Fowler for the goat ? 
Why pick out Fowler, when no owl, or 
Even a rooster, but remote ? 
(Rev. Mr. Jones opens the College door and 

addresses the Students from the stoop). 

Mr. Jones, (gasping). 

The President directs me to advise 

The Students not to congregate out here; 

That any demonstration on their part. 

At the departure of the one expelled, 

Will be construed as proof most positive 

Of their complicity in his offence. 

Students, (varying in intonation). 
Bow — wow, bow-wow. 

Mr. Jones. 

The President, moreover. 
Directs me to admonish every student. 
Without exception, to repair to Chapel 
Immediately. None will be excused. 

Students. Bow-wow-wow-wow- Bow-wow — 
Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow ! 
(Mr. Jones re-enters the College, followed by 

several students, wliereupon the others hiss.) 



THE COMET 21 

One Student, {turning around). 

Fellows! I disapprove of rioting. 
Phelps. A future Justice of the Peace! Three 

boos. 
Student. 

Hold on there, Phelps! If any one of you 

Cares to discuss this matter, like a man. 

Call "time!" 
Phelps. 

Two seconds — Rector Wisdom, one 

And Curate Jones the other. 
Students, {laughing). Good! 
Phelps. Three cheers 

For an Eurekian who can buck a crowd. 

And show the world that Bill, the goat, the 
mascot, 

Dear as the pennon to Eureka's Nine 

And as inseparable — 
Students. Aye! — 
Phelps. Does not 

Monopolize Eureka's moral courage! 
{They cheer and laugh as the Student retires.) 
Baldwin. It is an outrage to expel a man 

Without a trial. Is Fowler guilty ? 
Students, {thunderingly). No! 
Phelps. 

Fred was not here at all, yet he is doomed 

To vindicate the Rector's vigilance 

And Brutus sense of justice. O Ye Gods! 

No wonder that ye are invisible; 

Ye draw your faces from the world, to hide 

Your laughter at the deeds of little men. 

Who ape your virtues. 



22 THE COMET 

Students. Good! Demonsthenes! 

{They cheer). 
Phelps. 

Why roam through history except to catch 
The spirit of the heroes of the Past, 
And, mounting, lead to battle for the Right ? 
A Magna Charta for Eurekians! 
Students. Aye, Aye! 
Phelps. Let us demand it! 
Students. Aye! Aye! Aye! 

{The students cheer and become more boister- 
ous on the appearance of Fred Fowler with a 
valise.) 

Students. A speech! A speech! 
Fowler, {mounting the wreck). 

My valedictory. 
Farewell, dear fellows! for my doom is 

sealed; 
The gibbet of expulsion is erected; 
The noose and weight adjusted, and the 

cap 
Of blackest distance will, ere long, be drawn 
Across my eyes from these, my fondest 
scenes. 
{The curate opens the door and passes through 
the grounds. Rector Wisdom appears, and there 
is a hush among the Students.) 

The Clergy, too, attend me to the Scaffold 
And fervently exhort me to confess, 
And be contrite, and give their pious eyes 
Some earnest of my better life hereafter. 
Rector Wisdom, {on the stoop). 

It ill becomes Eureka's President 



THE COMET 23 

To argue with his Students, on a theme 
Affecting discipline; but I am pained 
Beyond endurance, by the gravity 
Of your rebellion. I repeat rebellion! 
I made it plain, I thought, in my remarks 
In chapel, that, if I could read our times. 
Their trend runs counter to our Country's 

aim. 
And that it rests with College men, above 
All others, to prevent our Country's boast 
From being made a by-word and a jest 
For all succeeding time. 

Students. Plain! Plain as day! 

Rector Wisdom. 

I made it plain, I thought, that it devolves 

Upon Eureka Students, most of all, 

To teach the wealthy, that they form a part 

Of our Republic, only in so far 

As they contribute to its character 

As Leader of the Nations unto Right, 

By noble thought and patriotic deed! 

{Applause) 
I made it plain, I thought, that it devolves 
On you, as true Eurekians, to translate 
Into the common speech of daily life, 
Your Country's loftiest ideals, writ 
By Freedom with your father's sacred blood; 
But I have been mistaken. 

Students. No! No! No! 

Wisdom, {appreciating the Students applause, 

but not showing his pleasure). 

I made it plain, I thought, that it devolves 
Upon the cultured classes in our land, 



24 THE COMET 

To get the races by degrees together 
To talk their grievance over, in a voice 
As gentle as a v^^oman's; but what is it 
That you have done ? Have sundered them 

Students. No! No! 
Rector Wisdom. 

I say, have sundered them. You represent 
The cultured class, and therefore kill all 

hope. 
The future does look dark. What will be- 
come 
Of our fair Country, when the White and 

Black, 
A stranger to each other's just desires, 
Rise to the awful height of all rank growths ? 
There is no education in the world 
Like human contact for mankind's advance; 
All differences, then, adjust themselves; 
But when two races are estranged by hate, 
They grow so deaf to one another's rights, 
That it soon comes to pass that either has 
To use the trumpet of artillery 
In order to be heard at all. Are you 
With me in hindering that catastrophe ? 

Students. We are! We are! 

Fowler. But, Sir, I fail to find 

The application of your eloquence; 

We have been always of your mind on that. 

Have we not, fellows .? 

Students. Aye, aye — aye. Aye — aye! 

Rector Wisdom, {looking at his watch and 

indicating by his voice his indignation at the 

Students demonstration.) 



THE COMET 25 

It lacks three minutes of the time for Chapel. 

Let each and every one be in his seat 

Before the tolling of the bell. 
Frank Merritt. {appearing with his arm in 
a sling). 

Good Rector. 
Rector Wisdom. Well ? 
Frank Merritt. 

I have doubts, Sir — I have serious doubts — 

That this young gentleman was one of them. 

I recollect, Sir, that about dusk-time 

When I was shutting down my windows, Sir, 

He was the one I saw a hurrying out, 

With both hands on his forehead, thus as 
though 

In sore distress. 
{Forgetting his sore arm, he lifts both hands to 
his forehead, hut abbreviates his illustration with 
a wince.) 
Rector Wisdom, {re-entering the College). 

The hospital, or home. 
Frank Merritt. {following Rector Wisdom). 

Don't send me home. Sir! Though I'd 
rather go 

Than have the wrong man — 
{The door closes.) 
Phelps. 

Fellows give three cheers 

For Merritt. He is worthy of Eureka. 
{They cheer and the bell begins to toll. Several 
nter the College.) 

Fowler. There goes my funeral knell, 
Phelps. 'T is mine as well. 



26 THE COMET 

Baldwin. Mine too. 

Hank Smith. And mine. 

Fowler. 

One victim is enough. 
Why have a hecatomb ? Besides, my fate 
Points out a moral for Eureka men. 
The Merritt hazing was the only one 
I had no hand in during all the term; 
The innocent is sure to suffer. 

Students. Ha! 

Fowler. 

What does it matter ? I can summon up 
Philosophy that, with unbroken smile, 
Meets each and all vicissitudes of life. 

Phelps. Is Fowler guilty ? 

Students. No. 

Phelps. Shall he be made our scapegoat ? 

Students. No! 

Phelps. 

Is it Lynch Law, or not, 
To bring a great Eurekian's college life 
To an abrupt and ignominous end 
Without a trial ? 

Students. Lynch Law! 

Phelps. 

And is Lynch Law 
A whit more sacred in the Rector's hands. 
Than in the hands of the most brutish mob ? 

Students. No! not a bit! The same! 

Phelps. Come, tell him that! 

Fowler. No use, Phelps! He would answer 
like the mob. 
I go now, and alone. 



THE COMET 27 

Phelps. 

Not on your life! 
What say you, gentlemen ? Shall we skulk 

back 
Like dastards, and let Fowler face alone 
The consequences of an act, not his ? 
Students. No! 
Phelps. 

Or, shall every man go out with him 
And let Eureka drift, keel up, down stream ? 
{They applaud) 

In other words, are we to "hang together, 
Or separately ?" 
Students. Hang together. 
Phelps. Come. 

(Phelps, Baldwin and other students lift Fowler 
on their shoulders, and, as they bear him about 
the grounds, all thunder out the College cry.) 
Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! Eurek! Ha! Ha! 
Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 
{The tolling of the bell dies faintly.) 



28 THE COMET 

ACT II 

SCENE I 

A parlor in a surburban hotel. About the 
room are scattered the signs of cobblers, butchers, 
grocers, fortune-tellers, doctors, sextons, mani- 
cures and seamstresses. The Students ceaselessly 
move about the room with the grace of fishes in 
a tank at the Aquarium.) 
Smith. He is all right! 
Baldwin. Who is all right ? 
Students, {in chorus.) Fred Fowler. 

{A pounding on the ceiling is heard.) 
Hank Smith. Say, who has pluck and grit and 
nerve enough 
To tell the ancient girl with hatchet face. 
Upon the floor above, not to crack nuts 
By jumping with both feet on them and 

missing, — 
That it disturbs our study ? 
Students. Aye — Aye — Aye! 
Fowler. Respect antiquity. 
Hank Smith. Antiquity! 
Students. Here! 

Phelps. Strike the gong. Things here are 
getting dull. 
Oh! for a cane-rush, or an expedition 
To the North Pole. 
Fowler. Or war worth fighting — one 

To teach all barbarous tribes throughout 

the globe, 
Christian or Turk, that all Humanity 
Is territory sheltered by our flag; 



THE COMET 29 

That butchery must cease throughout the 

world; 
That, having ended human slavery, 
"Old Glory" has a mission from on high 
To stop the slaughter of the smiling babe. 
The pale, crazed mother, weak, defense- 
less sire, 
All places on the habitable globe; 
Whether where Morning, like an animal. 
After a run for life through desert dust. 
Approaches hot with thirst and snatches up 
The blood in long throatfuls; or where the 

snow 
Turns ghastly as it falls, and longs to melt. 
And earth itself, within its heart of hearts, 
Murmurs against high Heaven that, like 

the snow. 
It cannot also melt and be no more. 
{The Students applaud and the pounding on 

the ceiling is repeated. Fowler, smiling, points 

up as he quotes from Whittier.) 

"Who harms a hair of yon gray head — 

Students, {in chorus). 

"Dies like a dog. March on, he said." 

Smith. Demosthenes will now oblige. 

Student, {in chorus). He will. 

Phelps. What will it be ? 

Fowler. 

Give us Paul Gardner's latest. 
On Freedom. 

Phelps. "Freedom? 'T is intelligence 

Aloof from harm and hamper, grandly 
circling: 



30 THE COMET 

Its native, sun-lit peaks, the highest hopes 
Heaved from the heart of man upon the 

earth, 
In ranges long as time and soul endure. 
I look aloft and harken. I can hear 
The echo of the eagle's youthful cry 
In the high heaven, but view the azure void 
Of his auroral, broadening spread of wing. 
Where is the bird of Morning ? Has the fog 
Of Demagogy barred his upward flight ? 
Is he, the phantom in its density. 
Pendant between two awful rocks — The 

one. 
The dooming of the millions yet to be. 
Because their race, a creeping infant, born 
Of Savagry and Thralldom yesteryear, 
Is far behind the Titan, strong with years 
And grown so nimble-footed with the arts 
That, since he burst from darkness, he has 

kept 
Abreast with Morning; and the other rock. 
The dooming of the Titan to fall back, 
Little by little, for the infant's growth 
To catch up to a marriageable age 
And sap him, then, of all his god-like 

strength. 
His brain of high ideals, and his heart, 
A very Sun in driving out the cold 
And darkness from all regions of the globe, 
So that, though long he ran abreast with 

Morn, 
He will be overtaken by the Night ? 



THE COMET 31 

Soar, bird of Light! Oh, pierce the fog, but 
dash 

'Gainst neither rock to reel back with 
crushed wing. 

Then flutter in the swamp, the bullfrogs' 
jest, 

And mount no more to mate admiring Morn, 

Who hails thee grandest of all forms, be- 
holden 

By him in boundless, constellated space." 
Baldwin. He is all right. 
Smith. Who is all right ? 
Students. (Shouting). 

Phelps — Gardner! 
Baldwin. Both are all right. 
Phelps. Hank Smith will now oblige. 
Smith. (Irmtattng Rector Wisdom's intonation 
and manner.) 

Young men! allow me to assure you, that 
while I am the President, Eureka College cannot 
be converted into an asylum for the dumb. 
I have asked you collectively and individually, 
for information as to the participants in the 
hazing last night, but not one of you will speak. 
Recognizing more fully than you, that expulsion 
from College means to most young men, the 
blasting of their lives, I admonish you most 
earnestly to answer truthfully the questions put 
to you, no matter whom the information may 
hurt. You may then continue your college 
career with the exalted consciousness that you 
are promoters of law and order, and to that 
extent, are worthy citizens of your Country. 



32 THE COMET 

[T he Students applaud uproariously. A news- 
boy in the distance shouts ^' Extra,^^ whereupon 
Fowler hastens out, followed by Baldwin.) 
Fowler. An extra. 
Smith. What about an extra drink ? 
Phelps. 

Good! extra Irish whiskey, warranted 
To have no scorpion, lizard, toad, nor snake 
In its delirium tremens, boys, for mine. 
Smith. Mine, too. Fetch it for all of us. 

Exit. 

A Student. Mine, water. 

Smith. 

Bwoo! Even the thought of water gives me 

spasms. 
I took a look once with a microscope 
Into pure water — Bwoo! a little drop, 
And yet it held such monsters by the million 
Crawling and intertwisting — Bwoo! Bwoo! 

Bwoo! 
I have had hydrophobia ever since. — 
I say, hang dullness. Has no one brought 
gloves ? 

Student. No. 

Smith. What a strange, strange, social func- 
tion! 

Students. Ha! 

Smith. Come then, old man, bare knuckles. 

Student. I don't mind. 

Provided that we daub our fists with ink 
To keep a tally. 

Smith. Excellent idea! 



THE COMET 33 

{They ink their knuckles and spar dexterously, 
each marking the other s brow, chin and both 
cheeks. Meanwhile, two other Students ap- 
proach.) 

A Student. Collar and elbow, come. 
Student. Two out of three. 

{They wrestle and are well matched. The 
wrestlers collide with the sparrers and are "flung 
against a bric-a-brac table that comes down with 
a crash. They stop their fooling.) 
Smith. Another item on our bill. — Time! 
Second sparrer. Time! 
{They continue the bout.) 
A Student. A snooze for me, but first a drink 
is coming. 
{Fred Fowler enters with a newspaper and all 
gather about him, frequently interrupting his 
reading with their laughter.) 

The Extra, Fellows! All about us! listen! 

Rector Wisdom's Fanaticism! 

Expels Champion Oarsman Fowler. 

Athletics Doomed at Eureka. 

The Students in Revolt. 

Curate Jones' Testimony. 

Eureka's President a Modern Jeptha. 

(Special to the World Enlightener.) 

Your correspondent called at Eureka College 

at two A.M. this morning. President Wisdom 

was up in the Observatory, but could not be 

induced to come down from his perch. He sent 

word by the curate, the Rev. Mr. Jones, that he 

had no statement to make further than that the 

new comet had a curled up tail, like a squirrel. 



34 THE COMET 

Your correspondent explained that he was 
not the astronomer of your staff, but the sport- 
ing editor who had come for the full details of 
the recent hazing which, as it has resulted in 
the expulsion of Fred Fowler, the champion 
amateur oarsman of America and the peerless 
Captain of Eureka's lightning crew, was a matter 
of absorbing interest to college men throughout 
the civilized world. Would the President be so 
kind as to state whether or not the expulsion 
of young Fowler for such a triviality as his 
complicity in the hazing rite, was an announce- 
ment that the policy of Eureka's Faculty hereafter 
would be to do away with athletics altogether ? 
The Curate refused to take up the message 
and attempted to shut the door. Your cor- 
respondent put out his foot opportunely, and, 
pushing through the door ajar, got close enough 
to the Curate to see that he had a scald of 
freckles on his face and that the hue of his 
hair was sorrel. He had the sullen askance 
look of a mule with ears on the drop as a signal 
to his heels. 

The following conversation then took place: 
Reporter. Is it true that the Faculty in- 
stigated, or, at any rate, connived at the hazing 
of Frank Merritt in order to deter other colored 
youths from applying at Eureka College for 
matriculations, as charged in the Liberal Club 
Resolution, secured by the World Enlightener 
in advance of their adoption and published this 
morning in no other paper, except they have 
been stolen from the World Enlightener's^press. 



THE COMET 35 

Curate. No sir. That is an unwarranted 
falsehood. 

Reporter. Was every precaution taken to 
prevent the hazing of the Colored Student ? 

Curate. Every possible precaution was 
taken. The President warned the young men 
in a most solemn and impressive way at Chapel. 
He told them that, if this young man was sub- 
jected to any indignity whatever, the one to 
whom the least circumstantial evidence would 
point as the culprit, would not merely be sus- 
pended, but expelled. 

Reporter. Could any instigation be more 
provocative to an outbreak, than such a threat 
to high-spirited young men ? Have the Faculty 
forgotten human nature that they once knew 
by heart ? 

Curate. The Faculty did all in their power 
to prevent the hazing of the young man. They 
employed additional watchmen to patrol the 
grounds under his window, and, as I recom- 
mended the watchmen, I felt it my duty to see 
that they did theirs. 

Reporter. Well! If you saw to it that the 
Watchmen did their duty, how did it happen 
that there was any hazing at all ? 

Curate. The Students made the watchmen 
drunk, changed clothes with them, and then 
arrested me. 

Reporter. Arrested you! Did they put you 
through the third degree ? 

Curate. They shut me up in a dark room. 



36 THE COMET 

Reporter. Would the success of the Stu- 
dents not imply what is preposterous, namely, 
that they have more brains than the Faculty ? 
Now, my good man, is it not more reasonable to 
believe that the Faculty winked at the hazing, 
than that they were outwitted by their "knee- 
highs" mentally ? 

Curate. It is not more reasonable. Sir, for 
the Rector never winks, day or night. He loves 
the Colored people too much to wink at an in- 
dignity to one of them. Why, he once told me 
that, if he had a daughter, he would rather offi- 
ciate at her marriage to a colored youth of good 
education, than see her wedded by a bishop to 
one of the many young men of social distinction, 
whom he could name; for then, her happiness 
would be more assured. 

Reporter. Did he say that ? 

Curate. Yes, but you won't print that! 

Reporter. Why not ? It is the raciest 
thing that you have said. 

Curate. I entreat you, sir, don't print that! 
I have great trouble with my heart, and it 
would bring a spell on, if you put my name in 
the paper, saying what the Rector might not like! 

Your correspondent was deeply touched by 
the Curate's appeal, but, of course, his duty 
to the public is paramount. 

The dominant sentiment of a public man, no 
matter to whom, or under what circumstances, 
it is expressed, is news too important not to be 
made public property. That Eureka's Presi- 
dent could expel the peerless Captain of the 



THE COMET 37 

College crew, just for a little fooling with a 
Negro, so as to make him feel at home, would 
be inexplicable, if not for the Curate's revela- 
tion of Rector Hiram Wisdom's fanaticism to 
the extent that he would sacrifice even his 
daughter. 

{The students laugh uproariously and Fowler 
muses aloud, pressing his head with hts hands). 

How can I put the Rector to the test ? 

I have a notion he is insincere. 
Students. Bowwow! 
Fowler. 

I mean just what I say. Of course, 

He had sincerity sometime or other, 

But lost it on the road, and, up to date. 

Has never missed it. 
Students. Wow! 
Fowler. 

The world believes 

He has it, so it lets him pass unsearched; 

But I shall challenge him some dayor other, 

As sure as fate, and make him show the 

goods. 

{Baldwin enters, holding with both hands a 

tray, piled up with glasses which the Students 

take. He has in hts mouth a card and grimaces 

to Fred Fowler.) 

Fowler. {Taking the card from Baldwin s 
mouth.) 

Paul Gardner wants a word with me down 
stairs. 
{Fowler goes out and Phelps appears with a 
demijohn and the students hold up their glasses.) 



38 THE COMET 

Phelps. This is a Temperance town; pre- 
scriptions, please. 

{Some of the students show symptoms of 
cramps, while several drop in a faint. Many 
who get the liquor to revive the fallen, drink it 
themselves. When all have their glasses filled, 
they form a circle.) 
Phelps, {singing) 

To the triumph of our frolic. 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 

{They drink.) 
Phelps. Why should youth be melancholic ? 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 
Phelps. 

So, if pleasure whistles jigs, 
Let us sound the board, like Nigs. 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down, 
Drink it down. 

{They all drain their glasses and dance a few 
steps. They return to Phelps, holding up their 
glasses to be refilled.) 
Baldwin. Say, Temperance Town ? 
Phelps. No, town of honest thirst! 

{They mimic drunkards and Phelps refills all 
their glasses. They begin the song.) 
Phelps. Here's adieu to dear Eurek. 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 

{They drink.) 
Phelps. We take life up and drop Greek;^ 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. — 

{They drink.) 
Phelps. For, by only such a swop. 
Can we ever get on top. 



THE COMET 39 

Students. Drink it down, drink it down, 
drink it down. 

{They drain their glasses and then light their 
cigarettes.) 

Baldwin, {reading from a paper which he takes 
from his pocket.) 

They carried Fowler on their shoulders 
around the College, and in the Campus they 
crowned him with a wreath of immortelles. The 
expelled Student is the "class poet," and is 
ranked by the Eureka men as a genius, second 
only to Paul Gardner, whose verses form a part 
of their hazing ritual. Moreover, young Fow- 
ler is a martyr in their eyes, for it is said that 
his expulsion from the College is due less to 
his connection with the hazing of the colored 
student than to his authorship of a lampoon. 
Pandemonium reigned about the College all 
the afternoon. 

At nightfall, they started for the train, destroy- 
ing or carrying off with them every tradesman's 
sign on the way. The young ruffians are no 
doubt by this time in "a lock-up", and hard 
labor for six months might improve their man- 
ners, if not their morals, and teach them the 
decencies of life, that form so small a part of 
the College Curriculum. 

{They howl, feigning alarm.) 
Phelps. Lock-step, lock-step; rehearse for 
your reform. 

{They walk up and down a couple of times 
and then act out what Phelps suggests.) 



40 THE COMET 

Now get you to your work. Stich, bow- 
legs, stich! 
You are far luckier here on bread and 

water, 
Than half your blearing brothers in sweat 

shops, 
Who draw their wages through the needle's 

eye. 
Now, fiddle with both arms, ye cobblers! 

So! 
Now, men knock off! Knock off! 't is 

overtime 
By half a minute. Count a half a minute 
Daily for every man throughout the land, 
And you will be amazed to find what hours, 
Days, weeks, nay years, you rob from 

honest toil! 
What! let starvation, like a school-girl, 

stare 
You out of countenance? Strike! Why 

strike now ? 
Because the very time that you ought not. 
Baldwin. It strikes me that we are a set of 

fools. 
Phelps. Yes, yes, but conscious fools; not 

like most men. 
{They become quiet on the entrance of Fred 
Fowler with Paul Gardner.) 
Fowler. 

I do not want my mother's proposition 
To weigh a straw on my behalf, remember. 
Gardner. 

But, my friend, it is the hidden weight 



THE COMET 41 

On Justice's Scales that sends the hand 

around 
The Dial, in most cases in this world. 
Fowler. No matter. 
Gardner. 

Your lampoon was the hidden weight 
In the scales against you. Let me look 
at it. 
(^Fowler takes the paper from his valise and 
hands it to Gardner who, while glancing over 
it, comments.) 

Good! excellent! A sunrise of the Soul, 
That youthens this old world and melts 

its mists! 
No fault except its scorn of Wisdom's saw. 
That one must hold his peace on many 

things 
To prosper on this globe of cant and sham. 
{Hands the paper back.) 
Phelps. {Whispering). Present us. 
Fowler. 

Oh, beg pardon! Gentlemen, 
The epoch's glory and Eureka's pride, 
Mr. Paul Gardner. 
Gardner, {bowing). 
I am always glad 

To meet Eureka men, no matter where. 
Phelps. 

Now gentlemen, Eureka's grand salute. 
{They form a diamond around Gardner.) 
Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! Eurek. Ha! Ha! 
Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 



42 THE COMET 

Gardner. 

Our Alma Mater has a claim for life 

On our affections. What exalts her fame 

Delights us; what takes from her glory, 
grieves. 
{He pauses and gazes about at the signs taken 
from the tradesmen.) 

Are these Eureka College's exhibits ? 

Ye hoodlums! 
Baldwin. Hear! 
Gardner. 

Caligulas that go 

To take an empire — Learning's — and 
bring home 

Lobsters and scallops! Friends, are these 
the signs 

Of culture worthy of Eureka men? 

In your assault on every Industry, 

What are you? Savages! 
Students. Hear! 
Gardner. 

You deserve 

No "Reservation Ground," but rope and 
limb. 
{The Students howl.) 

Still, it is not for others to apply 

Correctives; we can do that best, ourselves. 

Have you got brains ? 
Baldwin. 

Have we got brains? Oh, hear him! 
Gardner. Have you got pluck ? 
Baldwin. Have we got pluck ? Oh, hear him! 



THE COMET 43 

Gardner. 

Have you got grit ? 
Students, {in chorus). 

Have vi^e got grit? Oh, hear him! 
Gardner. 

If you have brains and pluck and grit, why 

haze 
A guileless Freshman, when the world is 

full 
Of knowing, old offenders, whom to brand 
Would be a public service ? 
Students. Right you are! 
Gardner. The Liberal Club deserves your 

prompt regard. 
Fowler. 

My Step-sire is a pillar of that Club, 
And so is — outch! No part of this for me. 
Gardner. Just hear its Resolutions, passed 
to-night. 
{During the reading the Students manifest 
their feelings with groans and gestures, and 
Fowler steps aside, pressing his brow with his 
hands, every now and then.) 

Whereas, Eureka College, an Institution sup- 
posed to represent Northern culture — 
Students. No supposition about it! 
Gardner. Has recently become the scene of a 
barbarity that chills the blood in our veins; 

Whereas, a student was taken out at the dead 
of night and hanged by masked miscreants for 
no crime, except it be a crime to accept as true 
the inspired gospel of our Country's Constitution, 
Chapters Fourteenth, Fifteenth and Sixteenth; 



44 THE COMET 

Whereas, the ruffians rang the College bell 
in exultation during the outrage, showing thereby 
that they had nothing to fear from the College 
authorities, though the deed was one to shock 
modern civilization; 

And, whereas, this gifted young man was 
branded a low coon — 
Students. {Laughing). La-oc-o-on! — 
Gardner. 

Thereby establishing beyond doubt that the 
perpetrators of the atrocity were actuated by 
racial prejudice, in defiance of the Most High 
who uttered his Commandment 'mid lightning 
and thunder on the Mount Sinai of Gettysburg; 
Fowler, {aside). That is Pop Pighead's lan- 
guage. Qh, the sham! — 
Gardner. 

Therefore, be it resolved, that we, the Mem- 
bers of the Liberal Club of New York City, 
representing the broadest moral ideas, attest our 
horror at the shocking deed aforesaid, and 
that we ascribe as the true cause of the outrage, 
the treason of example, if not of precept, taught 
those young desperadoes by the Eureka College 
authorities. 
Fowler, {aside). 

But Beck must be considered — that's the 

rub! 
There is no tide in all the world so hard 
To row against, as woman's stream of tears, 
And I have had no practice on that stream. 
Gardner. And be it further resolved — 
Baldwin. Enough! Enough! 



THE COMET 45 

Phelps. On to the Liberal Club! Come, fel- 
lows, come. 
There are gross insults which Lynch law 

alone 
Can rightly handle. Any set of men 
Who so diliberately vilify 
Our Alma Mater, and traduce so vilely 
Eureka's President and Faculty, 
Should furnish all the world illumination 
By hanging from the nearest lamp-posts 
round. 
{They bustle in preparation to go.) 
Gardner. "Ungear your feet of haste and 

think awhile." 
Baldwin. On to that Club! 
Gardner. I have arranged a way 

To wreck the Liberal Club, dear friends, 

without 
Demolishing the building, like a mob. 
I had thirteen of you elected members. 
Students. Thirteen! 
Gardner. 

Why not thirteen ? Old Glory started 
With thirteen stars, and the world has yet 

to hear 
Of harm therefrom, excepting to her foes. 
I want you, gentlemen, to blacken up. 
Fowler. Count me in, fellows! I see fun 
ahead 
For the whole bunch and a romance for me. 
Students. 

Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! Eurek! Ha! Ha! 
Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 



46 THE COMET 

ACT III 

{Mr. Pighead' s Reception-room and office. In 
the rear there is a bower in course of formation. 
There are flower-pots on the table in the centre 
of the room, and in the far corner a piano. Along 
the right wall there is a large book-case with 
wooden doors, designed by Mr. Ptghead as a 
place to conceal a witness when he might want 
one to overhear testimony given to him in con- 
fidence.^ 
Becky. 

What fuss they make about mere hazing! 

Fools! 
What Student but would rather miss a 

prize 
For Greek, or French or Trigonometry, 
Than an initiation, though one has 
To lie beside a corpse! which, after all. 
Is only a panjama stuffed with ice. 
And headed by a pumpkin or a squash. 
What harm in that ? It cultivates the nerve. 
Are we Phi Beta Kappa's criminals } 
And are the Alpha Phis, Chi Mus, Tau 

Taus, 
The Alpha Chi Omegas, Chi chi chis. 
The Alpha Omicrons, the Delta Deltas, 
And Theta Gammas, fellow malefactors ? 
Well, I guess not! guess not! and yet all are 
Alike, fit only for Reformatories, 
According to Eureka's president, 
When he expels Fred Fowler for an act 
No worse than we have done, and would 
again. 



THE COMET 47 

Oh, I just wish I had a chance to speak 
My mind to Rector Wisdom! What a 

name 
For him! He ought to have it changed to 

Lroose . 
He would disgrace poor Fred, as though 

expulsion 
From College could hurt him! For is ex- 
pulsion 
Not, after all, the seal with which the col- 
lege 
Distinguishes true genius ? It will link 
Fred Fowler's name with Shelley's and with 

Landor's 
And those of all the great misunderstood 
In every age. Yet how can I explain 
The code of college honor to my father, 
Who, in his heart, despises college men ? 
And who sent me these papers, cruelly 

marked ? 
I shall just tear them up. — Lies, lies, all 
lies! 
{She tears the papers and throws them aside.) 
'T is strange Fred has not called, nor sent 

a note. 
He surely, surely could not have believed 
I meant the coolness, I exhibited 
At our last parting. I was most to blame; 
Still, when I said: "Now I shall test your 

love, — 
Give me the keeping of your College pin," 
Could true, true love refuse one anything ? 
Could true love make the firm refusal worse 



48 THE COMET 

By adding: "If you truly love me" — If! — 
"Allow the diamond ever to remain 
Upon my breast, where it was placed to 

stay 
By Honor with inviolable vow ?" — 
What right had he to nettle me with "If," 
And press it down with such a heavy blow, 
As "truly"? as though I could love at all, 
And not love truly! Anyhow, he ought 
To have the sense to know that, if I parted 
From him in anger, it could only be 
That I might shortly, very shortly, taste 
The double, treble sweet of making up, 
Which is the richest luxury of love. 

Dinah. {Entering). A colored man wants to 
see Mr. Pighead. 

Becky. Tell him that Mr. Pighead is not home. 

Dinah. 

I did, but he's the sassiest nigger dat I ever 

laid dese eyes on. He tol' me to go and show 

my folks a good example by always telling 

nothin' but the tru'. I say to him den, "go 

down in de basement;" but he say, "how light 

a parlor match down dah ?" 

Becky. He must be crazy. 

Dinah, {jumping aside). Lor' Miss! 

Fowler, {entering). Is Mr. Pighead — 

Becky. He cannot be seen. 

Fowler. 

Beg pardon. If you step across the street, 
You can behold him — 

Becky. Why do you persist ? 

I told you that he cannot now be seen. 



THE COMET 49 

Fowler. 

Could you not as a favor let him know 
That I am here ? 
Dinah. Yah! Yah! 
Becky, {sharply). Your name. 
Fowler. 

I am the Student who was taken out 
At dead of night and hanged by miscreants, 
Who rang the College bell with fiendish 
glee. 
Becky. Be seated — Dinah, go call Pa. 

{Extt Dinah, and Becky returns to the flowers.) 
Fowler. Fine day! 
Becky, (coolly). Yes. 

Fowler, (looks around and ts til at ease). 
What is it that I am sitting on ? 
(He picks up a book and reads the title.) 
" Disease, a sheer delusion." Don't it make 
Your head grow dizzy. Miss, to watch how 

fast 
The fashionable world is Eddying ? 
It makes my brain as kinky as my hair. 
Becky. Addressing me ? 
FowLer. Why, yes, — Dinah is gone. 

(He puts the book on the table and approaches 
Becky.) 

Miss, do you teach the Sunday-school for 
mutes ? 
Becky. No longer. — How do you know that 

I did? 
Fowler. 

A fortune-teller told me I would meet 
A lady of rare loveliness and grace 



50 THE COMET 

This morning, who could teach me how to 
speak. 
Becky. Well, surely you are not much of a 

mute. 
Fowler. Oh, yes, I am in what affects me 
most. 
{In the sign language which in earlier days 
he used to practice with Becky, he explains that 
he IS in love.) 
Becky. Pshaw! They forgot to send some 

Immortelles. 
Fowler. I have some, but they are in my 
valise. 
Will you allow me to send them to you ? 
No charge! They are prepaid, Miss, by 

your smile. 
Miss, do you sell those flowers ? 
Becky. No. 

Fowler. Keep them all ? 
Becky. No. 

Fowler. Do you send them to the hospital ? 
Becky. No. 
Fowler. Alms-house ? 

(Re-enter Dinah who shares her glances be- 
tween the flowers and Fowler.) 
Becky. No. 

Fowler. The squalid tenements ? 
Becky, (sharply). 

I send them to "The Tombs," if you must 
know. 
Fowler. Have you some dear one buried 

there ? 
Becky. No. 



THE COMET 51 

Fowler. No ? 

Becky. I think you awfully inquisitive. 

Fowler. 

My thirst for knowledge, Miss, is my ex- 
cuse. 
Do you give them to the keepers ? 
Becky. No. 
Fowler. Do those 

To whom you give the flowers, throw them 
away ? 
Becky. 

I do wish father would come down. Call 

Pa 
Again, Dinah — Yet — no — he would stay 

up 
The longer. 
Fowler. Call him, Dinah! 
Dinah. You smart nigger! 

Don't you dare "Dinah" me. 
Fowler, {bowing so graciously that Dinah is 
mollified.) 

Excuse me, Miss. 
Becky, (aside). Where have I seen those 

eyes ? I have seen them. 
Fowler. May I ask what becomes of these 

sweet flowers ? 
Becky. (Who becomes more and more attracted 
by his eyes.) 

They are to deck the cell of a wayward 

youth. 
One of my father's clients. 
Fowler. Wayward ? How ? 

Drunk and disorderly ? 



52 THE COMET 

Becky. No. 

Fowler. Starving thief? 

Becky. No. 

Fowler. Give it up. 

Becky. He shot a wretched girl. 

Fowler, {repeating her apathetic tone.) 

"A wretched girl!" Poor thing! Who 
made her wretched .'' 

The wayward youth ? 
Becky. Suppose so. 
Fowler. Then no blossom 

Would ever deck his cell, were you my 
wife 

And did my bidding. 
Dinah. Yach! Yach! Yah! 
Becky, {with dignity). Call Pa. 

{Exit Dinah.) 
Fowler. 

My frankness shocks you. I am frank by 
nature 

As well as name, and that is why at College 

They called me fresh, and hung me up 
to cure. 
Becky, {studying his features and patching up 
the papers she has torn.) 

The picture in the paper does not bear 

The least resemblance to your countenance. 
Fowler. 

No, come to think, I don't see how it could. 

I had no tintype of myself, so that 

The artist had to make my cousin's do. 
{Dinah enters holding a pair of shoes.) 
Becky. Pa coming: ? 



THE COMET 53 

Dinah. I told him; kut all he did 

Was to hand out his shoes and shut the 
door. 
Becky, {coloring up and in softened voice). 

Bring in a bootblack, Dinah, and tell him 

To call here every morning. 
Dinah. Lor' Miss Becky! 

You's good and gooder every day you live. 
Becky, {aside). 

A rare, rare chance to find out everything 

About poor Fred. — Too bad they were not 
truer 

In sketching you. Those eyes are small 
and lack expression. 
Fowler. That can be accounted for, 

I think, by the fact the artist had exhausted 

All his expression in my African pout. 

Yach! Yach! 
Becky. You take it in good part. 
Fowler. Why not. 

When it resembles my cousin more than me ? 
Becky. Do you know Mr. Frederick Fowler ? 
Fowler. Which ? 

The one that squints ? 
Becky. Oh, no! he does not squint! 
Fowler. May be you mean the poet ? 
Becky. Yes. 
Fowler. O yes! 

He is my room-mate. 
Becky, {dubiously). Yes ? 
Fowler They did him wrong. 

I told the Rector I had serious doubts 

That Fred was one of them. 



54 THE COMET 

Becky. Oh, that was noble. 

Fowler. 

It was but just to him. Why Fred and I 
Could not be closer. I share all his secrets, 
And he shares mine. He is in love. 

Becky. Is he ? 

Fowler. He keeps me wake whole nights, until 
I set his amorous words to music, which 
I do on David's Harp, whenever and 
Wherever the inspiration seizes me. 

Becky. Indeed! 

Fowler. Oh! Oh! 

Becky, {alarmed). What! Are you ill ? 

Fowler. Oh, lest I lose 

The most entrancing air that comes to me — 

The music for the words of his last song — 

Pray, hold the copy — with the words this 

way. 

{She holds the copy and is about to read it, 

but obeys Fowler's directions. He plays the 

tune on the jewsharp, and Mr. Pighead enters 

in slippers and stands confounded at the sight of 

Rebecca, holding copy for the Colored composer.) 

Fowler, {gesticulating wildly to Pighead). 
Go back! go back! 

Pighead. What sir! 

Fowler. Go back! go back! 

I cannot brook an interruption. 

Pighead. You! 

Becky, {indignantly) — My father, Sir! 

Fowler. I don't care who he is, — 

Out sir, till I get through, — But it is gone, 

^ Forever gone! It never does come back 



THE COMET SS 

With all the pristine glory without mar 

Of its original deliverance 

To mortal ears! 
PiGHEAD. {recovering his breath). What Sir! 
Fowler, {calmly). Why, inspiration! 

Well, what is it that I can do for you ? 
PiGHEAD. And who are you ? 
Fowler. Frank Merritt. 

PiGHEAD. Who ? 

Fowler. Frank Merritt, 

The Student who was strangled at Eureka 
By ruffians, led by one Fred Fowler. 

PiGHEAD. Hem! 

The very man I wanted. Please be seated. 
You have a splendid case against the college. 

Becky, {with flashing eyes). 

Did you not tell me, Sir, this very moment. 
That Mr. Fowler had been wronged ? 

Fowler. I, Miss ? 

Becky, {sharply). Yes, you, Sir\ 

Fowler. I forget. Maybe I did; 

For, come to think, I always tell a lady 
What I believe will please her, and besides, 
I contradict no lady to her face. 

PiGHEAD. {eagerly). Are you sure — 

Becky. What reliance can be placed — 

PiGHEAD. {muttering). 

No matter! He is my witness, — how im- 
peach him ? 
You women would make hodge podge of 
the law. 

Becky, {derisively). Strangled! I don't think 
he was hurt a bit. 



56 THE COMET 

PiGHEAD. Young man, have you a bruise to 

show in proof? 
Fowler. No sir. 
Becky. I knew it. 
PiGHEAD. {surprised). None ? 
Fowler, {whispering). No, none to show 
Before a lady. 

PiGHEAD. 

Beck, go fix the flowers. 
I want to see how you can beautify 
The dungeon of the most unfortunate 
Of all the clients I have ever had. 
Becky. Why not then, send them to the Tombs 

at once ? 
PiGHEAD. I have my reasons, Beck! I have 

my reasons. 
Becky. Only a needless, double trouble. Pa! 
{She goes to the table and lets some of the 
flowers drop on the floor.) 
PiGHEAD. The flowers have not offended. 
Becky. There's no room 

For half the pots. 
{She opens the door of the book-case to put 
some of the flower-pots out of the way.) 
PiGHEAD. {shutting the door with a snap). 

Do kindly keep this shut. 
Becky. 'T is only in the way. Pa, anyhow! 
PiGHEAD. I am not asking. Beck, for your 

opinion. 
Fowler. I'm sorry to have riled the lady, Sir. 
Becky. How can you tolerate this person's 
presence ? 



THE COMET 57 

Fowler, {to Pighead). 

No harm, sir, for the blacker that she looks 

The more does she remind me of my love. 
Becky. Well, the idea! Pa, did you ever — 
Pighead. {nervously pointing for her to go to 
the piano). 

Hush! — 
{Becky goes to the piano and attempts to play 
Fredas new song). 

Pighead. Are you quite sure that Frederick 
Fowler was one 

Of the assaulting party ? 
Fowler. Sure as that 

My name is Merritt and that I was hazed. 
Pighead. I have no doubt of it. 
Fowler. Sir, w^hen I read 

Your Resolutions, it occurred to me 

That you might kindly help me in a matter 

Most serious to me. 
Pighead. What may it be ? 
Fowler. I am in love — 
Pighead. Quite natural at your age. — 
Fowler. With a white lady. 
Pighead. Oh! 
Fowler. Why, do you think 

My scorched complexion, Sir, a barrier ? 
Pighead. Does she consent ? 
Fowler. Yes, with a jumping heart 

And face all radiant. 
Pighead. Has she a father ? 
Fowler. 

A gruff old devil! Though I would not 
want 



58 THE COMET 

Him hear me say so. All he could trump 
up 

Against me was my color. 
PiGHEAD. Prejudice. 

Is he well off? 
Fowler. You'd think so, from his airs. — 

What would you do ^. 
PiGHEAD. If in your place ? 
Fowler. No, Sir; 

If in his place. 
PiGHEAD. Oh, I should not have given 

The color of your skin a thought at all. 
Fowler. No ? 

PiGHEAD. 

No, Sir! I should have considered first. 
Your character, and then, your family; 
Then search the deeds of your collateral 
For the securing of her happiness. 

Fowler. Oh, Mr. Pighead! would he had your 
sense! 

Becky, (rising). Pa, what is that you said ? 

PiGHEAD. {waving her back). 

Hush, please, go play. 
Is she yet fourteen years of age ? 

Fowler. Oh, yes! 

PiGHEAD. Be sure about her age. 

Fowler. Well, how be sure 

About a woman's age ? The only way 
To get at it, they say, is to allow 
A year for every inch around her waist. 
Which is the reason that prim prudes are 
coy. 

PiGHEAD. Tut! — Is she fourteen yet? 



THE COMET 59 

Fowler. She's just eighteen. 

PiGHEAD. Then she can marry, if in her right 
mind. 

Fowler. Are women, when in love, in their 
right mind ? 

PiGHEAD. It is their only lucid interval. 

Becky. What, Pa ? 

PiGHEAD. Nothing, my dear. 

Fowler. Now you are sure 

The old man cannot drag her from my arms 
To a retreat, or Europe, on that ground ? 

PiGHEAD. 

Yes, for the Law respects the husband's 
right 

Before the father's. 
Fowler. But if he succeeds 

In getting her, — 
PiGHEAD. Come then to me, and I 

Shall with a writ of Habeas Corpus, Sir, 

Produce her body to the Court. 
Fowler. Her body ? 

What! Think her father will have mur- 
dered her ? 

PiGHEAD. 

No, no! "Her body" is the legal term. 
The Court will hand her over to her hus- 
band. 
Just as her father should have done at first. 
Fowler. Who ought we get to marry us, sir ? 
PiGHEAD. {impatiently). Oh! 

An alderman can tie the knot, young man, 
So fast that all the mules throughout the 
states, 



6o THE COMET 

Though they should pull together, could 
not break it. 

Here is my card, give it to Alderman Bowers. 
Fowler. Where can I find him ? 
PiGHEAD. At the City Hall, 

Or in the office, back of his saloon. 
Fowler. Oh, how I thank you, Sir! 
PiGHEAD. "But thank you," Sir, 

Young man, does not pay office rent. 
Fowler, {thoughtfully). That's so. 
PiGHEAD. If you wish me to be in readiness, 

In case of an emergency, my charge 

Will be one hundred. 
Fowler. For the job complete .? 
PiGHEAD. No, no; that's to hold me in readi- 
ness. 
Fowler. Well, if you clear me — 
PiGHEAD. Tut! I never take 

Contingent cases. 
Fowler. Will ten dollars down 

Do, and the rest in checks, sir, dated ahead ? 

PiGHEAD. 

No check from any college student for me! 
For forgery seems the most successful 

branch 
Taught at our Colleges. 
Fowler. Why so ferocious ? 

The College may produce the skillful forger 
And lawyer; but is she not sorry for it ? 
Her cheek burns crimson, seeing how they 

chum 
Together in the cell, when one is caught; 
For either always helps the other out. 



THE COMET 6i 

PiGHEAD. More knave than fool. 
Fowler. 

I cannot hear you slander 

My Alma Mater, and remain a mute. 

Besides you cast reflection, as were I 

Not black enough. You would not were 
I white. 

PiGHEAD. 

Tut! Tut! young man! Do not misunder- 
stand me. 
I think you have a strong, strong damage 

case 
Against Eureka College. 

Fowler, {eagerly). Have I ? 

PiGHEAD. Yes. 

Fowler. I never would have guessed it. 

PiGHEAD. Certainly not! 

The trouble is that clients, seldom knowing 
That they are hurt beyond the scratch that 

heals, 
Forget the wound to all their finer feelings 
Within a month or so, and drop the case. 
Except they have already paid a fee. 
And want to get at least their money back. 
I want the cash in order to insure 
Your presence when I need it, to establish 
Howyou were almost murdered at Eureka, — 

Becky. I do not think that he was hurt a bit. — 

PiGHEAD. Because you happened to be dark 
of skin. 

Fowler. I will be there sir, with my wounds 
kept fresh. 
I have ten dollars. 



62 THE COMET 

PiGHEAD. {not pretending to notice the whis- 
pered remark italicized, but smiling gratified 
at such a good witness). 

That will do at present 
Though I would not accept so small a sum 
Upon my word of honor, were you white. 
Fowler. Sure, you will not go back on me ? 

{Hands him the money.) 
PiGHEAD. I, Sir ? 

Do you suppose I would betray my client ? 
Fowler. A little piece of paper, a receipt. 
PiGHEAD. {sitting down at the desk with signs 
of irritation). 

An excellent trait, young man, to get re- 
ceipts. 
{Hands it to Fowler.) 
FoWLER. {reading). 

Received from Frank Merritt ten dollars on 
account for professional services. 

John Henry Pighead. 
{He folds up the receipt and puts it in his 
pocket and then looks up awe-struck at the hook- 
case.) 

Great Library! But why, Sir, has it shutters 
Instead of windows, like a beer-saloon 
On Sunday ? 
Pighead. 

Oh! two reasons! One to save 

My rarest books from plunder by my 

friends. 
Under the false pretense of borrowing them, 
And secondly, just not to gratify, 
The too inquisitive. 



THE COMET 63 

Fowler. That's one on me. 

Guess I shall have to foot it to Eureka; 
For I have only just one nickel left. 

PiGHEAD. 

There is no healthier exercise than walking. 
When I v^as a young man, why, I thought 

nothing 
Of forty miles through woods, and over 

fences, 
To a town meeting, or Fall term of school. 
Fowler. Good day. 

PiGHEAD. 

Good day, my friend, and may success 

And joy attend you. 
Fowler. Au revoir, young lady. 
Becky. Well, what impertinence! 
PiGHEAD. Blame yourself 

For your familiarity with him! 
Becky. Pa! 
PiGHEAD. I could not believc my eyes, Rebecca, 

On entering this room. 
Becky. I know not why 

I did his bidding. I am puzzled still. 
{aside). 

If there is such a thing as an evil eye, 

He has it, for his glances trouble me. 
PiGHEAD. {after walking up and down). 

Rebecca! — But no matter, never mind. 
{She takes a few steps toward him.) 
{Then returns to the flowers. He walks up 
and down muttering. The basement bell rings.) 

What if she knew the truth ? What if she 
knew 



64 THE COMET 

I am her guardian only by the grace 

Of acid and of ink ? She must, must 

know; 
Else, how can I move further in my plan ? 
Yet, what if she, indignant, should demand 
A full accounting for these fifteen years ? 
{He stands and gazes up at the ceiling). 
{Dinah enters with a bill in her hand and 
also looks up at the ceiling. Becoming conscious 
of Dinah's presence, he turns, and taking the 
bill glances at it, and puts it in his pocket. 
Dinah retires.) 

Hem! Who the devil can keep up the 

chase 
With running bills and live ? Let them 

run on — 
Shall I, or shall I not out with the truth ? 
{He pauses, after which he tosses a dollar in 
the air and catches it.) 

Head, yes; tail, no. 't is no. Now the 
Planchette. — 
{He takes the instrument from a chair and 
sets It on the table.) 

Shall I, or shall I not, out with the truth ? 

Speak, mystical intelligence! 
Hem, The Planchette and toss-up are the 
same. 
Becky. Speaking, Pa ? 
PiGHEAD. No, no! Thinking! only thinking! 

Rebecca! I desire a word with you. 
Becky. All right, Pa. 
PiGHEAD. Sit beside me. 
Becky. Got good news ? 



THE COMET 65 

PiGHEAD. 

I have done you a grievous, foolish wrong, 
In not acquainting you with all my aims, 
And seeking not your counsel. 

Becky, {laughing). Pa, what counsel 

Could I with no experience, give you 
Who know the World and all its wicked 
ways ? 

PiGHEAD. Beck, you have intuition, which is 
better. 

Becky. Better! 

PiGHEAD. A woman's intuition meets 

With less reversals in the Higher Court 
Of this strange, inexplicable existence. 
Than man's experience. 

Becky, {laughing). Pa, mean to say 
That woman's intuition can compete 
With tossing up a dollar in the air. 
Or the Planchette .? 

PiGHEAD. Stop bantering, Rebecca! 

I am in earnest. 

Becky, {still laughing). So am I! Now an- 
swer. 

PiGHEAD. 

Why, certainly, when woman is in love — 
The lucid interval, in which she sees 
Through a stone wall as clearly as through 

glass. 
I know not how she does it, but she does! 
{Becky goes to the table and, lifting a book, tries 
to see Mr. Pighead through it.) 
Becky. 

Here is a stone wall, Mother Eddy's book, — 



66 THE COMET 

I can't see through it ! ! Therefore, say, 

Pa - pa, 
Am I without a "lucid interval?" 

PiGHEAD. 

Beck ! You make me giddy with new life. 
Come, stand beneath the bower! — 'Tis but 

a whim. 
Becky. 

You want to see how I would look a bride! 

This is the proper pose. 
PiGHEAD. Oh, you can see 

Through a stone wall as clearly as through 
glass, 

Rebecca! Oh, Rebecca! {Caresses her.) 
Becky, {withdrawing from him.) 

Father ! Father ! 

1 do believe that you have drunk some wine! 
You know your promise. 

PiGHEAD. {confused). Beck! 

Becky. You act as strangely 

As on the morning after I came home 
On graduating, and twice since. Why, Pa, 
Had I a lover who would hug so hard, 
I should take him for nothing but a bear 
And give him to a show-man. 

PiGHEAD. That was play! 

But I have done with play, Rebecca! Done! 
And never shall henceforward, waste a 

smile. 
The word I want with you. Beck, is about 
The Club's affair to-morrow night. You 
know, 



THE COMET 67 

The programme has been changed, that 
we may have 

A banquet and invite our lady friends 

To grace it with their presence. 
Becky. In the boxes 

To gape down at the gentlemen agorging, 

Like poor street Arabs, flat-nosed at the 
windows ? 
PiGHEAD. No! You must come. 
Becky, {laughing). Pa, what have I to wear ? 
PiGHEAD. Oh, anything! 
Becky. 

The notice is too short. 

Who changed the programme ] I am sure 
his wife, 

Or daughter, had it done that they might 
take 

A mean advantage of the rest of us. 
PiGHEAD. Oh, Bond, of course! 
Becky. Oh! 

PiGHEAD. 

Who else could have done it ? 

He tires me, wants to make the Liberal 

Club 
Which, really, is the creature of my brain 
And hard incessant work, a stepping stone 
For him to London, as Ambassador; 
But it shall be a stepping-stone for me. 
As well as him, or else, for neither one. 
There's soon a vacancy caused by the death 
Of the Chief Justice; I deserve the place; 
For what have I got out of politics 
So far, excepting, once, a nomination 



68 THE COMET 

For Congress, when there was no chance 
to win ? 

That's how they pay the workers who are 
fools. 

Oh, I know politics from A to Z! 
Becky. Did you not always know ? 
PiGHEAD. Yes, but I made 

No use of what I knew, but mean, hence- 
forth, 

To leave no stone unturned to gain my point. 
Becky. How I shall pray and pray, — 
PiGHEAD. {checking her). 

"Pray? simpleton! 
Becky. What, Pa ? 
PiGHEAD. {smiling sardonically). 

A messenger with Grace from Heaven 

Could never find the gate to politics. 
Becky. Why not .? 

PiGHEAD. 

Because that gate moves on its hinges 
In the infernal regions, deep and dark. 
Where it stirs up such foulness, only those. 
Inured till dead of sense, can stand the 

stench. 
How I loathe politics! 

Becky. Pa, why not quit? 

PiGHEAD. When one is in, one never can get out. 

Becky. No ? 

PiGHEAD. 

Save by getting office, then despising 
The devil, on whose shoulders one has 

climbed. 
And taking care that he will never rise. 



THE COMET 69 

Oh, I know politics! I shall henceforth 
Do as the rest do — leave no trick untried, 
Have no opinions, or change them with 

a smile! 
Then whenupon the Bench in Washington, 
My one and only thought shall be, Rebecca, 
To make you happy. 

Becky, {kisses him). 
It has always been 
Your one and only thought, dear Father! 

PiGHEAD. Yes, 

But then, my whole ambition, dearest one, 
Will be for your advancement socially, 
In keeping with our station. With your wit, 
Beauty and sprightliness — {pauses). 

Becky. Oh, say it out! 

That I can catch a Duke and then come 

home 
As red-eyed as a ferret, and with tears 
Enough to fill a cistern! 

PiGHEAD. No, but one 

That I am sure will make you happy, Beck. 
No struggler for the wherewith to exist, 
But rather, Beck, a man who has amassed 
A fortune, and who has achieved renown. 

Becky. 

Oh, as for that. Pa, I should much prefer 
To share my husband's struggles, and 

help him 
To make his fortune and achieve his fame. 

PiGHEAD. Yes, and be thrust aside, when they 
are made. 
Beck, I know life! 



70 THE COMET 

Becky. But, Pa, what has all this 

To do with Fred ? Has he in his own 
right — 

PiGHEAD. 

Oh, he has nothing, if I must divulge 
What I should keep a secret. If you doubt 
What I am telling you, you know the use 
I put this case to, when I want a witness 
To hear what is told me in confidence. 
Just stow yourself in there when I am 

drawing 
The will up with his father. 

Becky. Pa! would you 

Have me to do so vile a thing as that .? 

Pighead. 

It would convince you that I tell the truth, 
When I say, "he has nothing." 

Becky, {passionately). He has me. 

Whatever else he has not, and I know 
That, having him, I have all I desire. 

Pighead. 

A school-girl's fancy that, like chewing- 
gum. 
You must discard, now that you have grown 
up! 

Becky. 

No fancy. Father! Fred and I have talked 
Over and over how, when free to use 
His fortune, he could do the greatest good; 
But, that he must begin by being just 
To the last dollar, though he be obliged 
Thereafter to depend on his own brain 
And muscle — 



THE COMET 71 

PiGHEAD. What! — 

Becky. 

For oh! to use his words — 
How noble! Oh how noble! — "He a man, 
Would feel ashamed to meet the rising sun, 
Except with life as open, as that orb's. 
To all the world, and with, at least, some 

light 
And warmth for those in darkness and in 

cold. 
My soul is all a tremble with delight 
At thought of him. 

PiGHEAD. 

Great Scott ! Insanity 
Is catching. I must end it, once for all. 
(cooly). I never blunder, sizing up a fool, 
Rebecca, and I told him so to-day. 
When he had the bare-faced afFrontery 
To call on me and say: "Not guilty, Pop!" 
Blind justice grabbed me for somebody 

else, 
And was too stubborn, then, to let me go." 
Becky. He told the truth, you can depend on 
that. 

PiGHEAD. 

I have forbidden him to cross this threshold, 
Rebecca, or communicate with you. 
Because he has disgraced himself forever 
By his atrocious conduct at Eureka. 

Becky {catching breath). You have ? 

PiGHEAD. I have. 

Becky. You have .? — Pa, I have not. 

My heart, soul, life, are not Eureka College, 



72 THE COMET 

That Fred can ever be expelled from them! 

{Mr. Pighead gazes at Becky for a few seconds, 
then at the ceiling, and without a word, walks 
out, making up for his lack of verbal expression 
by a slam of the door.) 



THE COMET 73 

ACT IV 

[The rooms of the Liberal Club, decorated with 
American "flags and with the portraits of Wash- 
ington, Lincoln, Fred. Douglas and other states- 
men. Many guests are seated while others stand 
in groups. Mrs. Bond with her meek husband 
at her side is the centre of a bevy of ladies, and 
turns graciously toward Paul Gardner. 
Mrs. Bond. Good evening, Mr. Gardner. 
Gardner. Oh, good evening! 
Mrs. Bond. You heard about my boy ? 
Gardner. Yes. 
Mrs. Bond, {in a low voice). 

Do you think 

They will expel him ? 
Gardner. Hardly think they will. 
Mrs. Bond. When will I know ? My head 

aches with this worry. 
Gardner. I am arranging now for his return. 
Mrs. Bond. 

How good of you! Oh! this brings such 
relief! 

There never was a gentler boy than Fred. 

He was just like a girl. 
Mr. Bond. He has improved 

Greatly at College, Dear, by all accounts. 
Mrs. Bond. 

Oh! You could never see the good in him. 

You never could! 
Mr. Bond. No, Dear, I never could. 

Maybe my sight is bad, but "maybe — er" — 
Mrs. Bond. Hush. 
Gardner, {whispering). 



74 "THE COMET 

Pardon me, dear Madam, just a moment. 
When may I call to have a final talk 
About your great endowment to Eureka ? 
Mrs. Bond. 

Oh! let me see. Just let me see! These 
days 

I rarely have a moment to myself. 
These social duties make a drudge of one. 
Gardner, {after a pause). 

It is important to the College world. 
Mrs. Bond. 

I shall send word to you by Mr. Bond, 
My first spare morning. — Ladies,*have you 

heard 
About my collie having got first prize .? 
{Gardner smiles and goes among his friends). 
Several Ladies. Yes! Yes! 
Mrs. Bond. The papers had his picture. 
Mr. Bond. Yes! 

In one of them, his picture was life size, 
And got ten times more space than Mrs. 

Bond's. 
Not one of them, however, did him justice. 
The artist should have drawn him with a 
rope. 
Mrs. Bond. Bond, you just hush. 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. 

What do the papers mean 
By calling you Diana, Mrs. Bond ? 
Mrs. Bond. 

Ha! Ha! Did you read that? — Because, 

dear ladies, 
I hunted down and slew the horrid stag! 



THE COMET 75 

{Mrs. Haughtyhead follows every word and 
movement of Mrs. Bond with a sweet smile and 
an approving nod of the head). 
A Lady. I never heard of it. 
Another. Nor I. 
Another. Nor I. 
Mrs. Bond. 

Your husbands would not tell you, certainly. 

The men are still as death on that, and 
leave 

The telling of the story all to me. 
Mr. Bond. 

I do not think it will on that account, 

Lose much in circulation. 
Mrs. Bond. Hold your tongue 

And take the punishment that you deserve. 
{The ladies laugh) 

About a month ago, I wanted Bond 

To take me to the Opera to see — 

I now forget whom. 
Mr. Bond. Worth, my dear! — 
Mrs. Bond. But he 

Had an engagement he could not postpone. 

He said so, with his eyes cast on the rug, 

As had the tigress moved her eye, or tail, 

And his voice was just weak enough to 
turn 

State's evidence against him. 
The Ladies, {glancing at Mr. Bond). 

Te-he-he! 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. What then, dear? 
Mrs. Bond. Off he went. I felt a fit 

Of crying coming on, but put it off 



76 THE COMET 

And donn'd my seal-skin. Gip began to 

whine 
Most piteously, as he always does 
When things uncommon are about to 

happen. 
I took my darling up and followed Bond. 
My instinct led me to the Club, and there 
The Negro at the door, said: "Mr. Bond? 
He is upstairs; but, Madam, wait! wait! 

wait!! wait!!! 
Let me go up and tell him you are here!' 
"No, no," said I, "just let me go for him." 
{The ladies laugh). 

I came in here, sat there. I heard a buzz 
About me, and a member, with his hand 
Over his mouth, hiss to the vocalist 
Something I could not catch. It sounded 

to me 
Like "Cheese it! Cheese it." Instantly 

the singer 
Became confused, grinned like an idiot, 
And stammered out that he forgot the 

words. 
At this the Members roared so horrid loud, 
Dear Ladies, that my ear-rings fairly shook. 
"Go on! Go on!" they shouted, and the 

voice 
Loudest of all, was whose, do you suppose ? 
My husband's. Gip knew it and made 

a spring 
From out my arms; but came back with 

a yelp. 



THE COMET 77 

And has not tapped the floor since with his 

tail 
At Bond's approach. Has he, my Dear ? 
The Ladies. Te-He! 
Mrs. Bond. 

Raising my voice, I said: "why not go on V 
O Ladies! You should then have heard 

the hush — 
Yes, heard the hush! — I walked up toward 

the stage, 
But looking right and left, could see no 

face! 
All turned their backs on me. Ah, well 

they might! 
Bond, trying to elude me, sprang behind 
A green partition which, that moment, fell, 
Disclosing what, dear ladies, horrified 
Me speechless! ! 
Mr. Bond. Wonderous feat! 
Mrs. Bond. Oh, more than feet! 

What I saw then, I cannot tell aloud. 
But, just to punish him, shall whisper it. 
{She whispers to the ladies and they look 
amazed). 

Mr. Bond. Is whispering in company good 

manners ? 
{The ladies grin). 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. What did you then do ? 
Mrs. Bond. 

Simply said, "Bond, home." 
On all important business after this, 
Remember, / go, too. 
Ladies. Te-he! Te-he! 



78 THE COMET 

Mrs. Bond. How sheepish he did look — 
acknowledge it. 

Mr. Bond. Finish the story. Leave out no 
detail. 
Repeat the curtain lecture. 

Ladies. Te-he-he! 

Mrs. Bond. A curtain lecture then of course. 

Mr. Bond, {sighing). Of course! 

Ladies. Te-he! 

Mrs. Bond. 

Imagine my amazement, Ladies, 

When, by mere accident, I heard, next day, 

The Club intended to repeat the stag! 

Mr. Bond. Dear, there you are mistaken. 

Mrs. Bond. I am never 

Mistaken, Bond, in what I know. Have I 
To hold my hand up every day, to know 
This ring is on my finger? I guess not!! 
I caught you, and that is enough for me. 

Mr. Bond. Dear, free me and give me another 
chance. 

Mrs. Bond. 

Stop talking silly. — What was I to do ? 
To rouse the women for a midnight raid 
Upon the Liberal Club .? No. 

Mr. Bond. What a loss 

That was to the comic papers! 

Mrs. Bond. Hold your tongue. 
You brazen thing! 

Ladies. What did you do .? 

Mrs. Bond. Had Bond 

To call a special meeting to invite 
The members' wives and daughters. 



THE COMET 79 

Mr. Bond. More than that! 

I have the Resolution in my pocket. 
{Takes it out). 

P.S. in pencil. 
Mrs. Bond. Say right out " 't is mine." 
Mr. Bond. 

No need — 'T is a towncrier of that fact. 

"Resolved moreover that our lady friends 

Be given the freedom of the house, w^ith keys 

To enter, day or night, and that no door 

Whatever shall be barred from their in- 
spection. 
Ladies, {imitating men faintly). 

Hurrah! Hurrah! 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. 

How^ did you get the members 

Together for the meeting ? 
Mrs. Bond. That was easy. 

Bond owns this Club — 
Mr. Bond. Dear! 
Mrs. Bond. Bond, you told me so. 

Did you not say that nearly all the mem- 
bers' 

Are in arrears for dues, and that their 
names 

Are posted on the walls ? 
Mr. Bond. Now, that will do. 
Mrs. Bond, {pushing aside the bunting). 

Why here they are, just as you said! They 
hang 

Like mirrors. Oh, no, not like mirrors, 
either. 



8o THE COMET 

For then the members surely would draw 

near 
To see if they could not improve their looks. 
Mr. Bond. They would, dear, were they 

women. 
Mrs. Bond. Bond, you fool! 

I have a mind to teach those dozen parrots, 

I took a fancy to the other day, 

No other words than these: "Bond is a 

fool!" 
And hang the cages out of our front win- 
dows. 
Mr. Bond. You will spoil all, my lady! 
Mrs. Bond. Bond, how dense! 

Don't you suppose my mentioning the 

matter 
In company will have far more effect 
Than posting up their names upon the wall, 
Where they are never seen ? Be practical. 
{Fred Fowler, disguised as a colored dandy, 
enters with Miss Amelia, white of feature and 
stylishly attired. They occasion much nudging 
and looking around on the part of the guests.) 
Fowler. Have we disturbed the flock .'' They 
look cross-eyed 
At us, like geese, and follow, when we move. 
{Mrs. Haughtyhead passes Amelia with evi- 
dence of disdain). 
Amelia. That woman caught her skirts up 

passing me! 
Fowler. 

What would you have her do, dear \ Let 
them drop ? 



THE COMET 8i 

This is no surf. Be sisterly enough 

To let her have a buckle, or a belt, — 

Hers must have broken. 
Amelia. Me give her a belt, 

Or buckle, or a pin ? Not though I had 

A gross of them. Did you not notice how 

She shut her eyes at me ? 
Fowler. A woman never 

Hides any beauty, even for a second ; 

'T is only her defects she closes up. 

If the old lady, dear, had eyes like you, 

I doubt if she would ever shut the lids. 
Amelia. Inquire for Mr. Pighead, He has 

manners. 
Fowler, {to Mr. Bond, who takes no notice of 
him) 

Have you the honor. Sir, of an acquaintance 

With Mr. Pighead ? Say, Sir, how dis- 
tinguish 

The gentlemen in this promiscuousness ? 
Mrs. Bond. Conduct us. Bond. We will in- 
spect the house. 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. I thought the people 

were to be select. 
Mr. Bond, {to Mrs. Bond). 

Dear, the Liberian Embassador. 

That's some of Pighead's work. 
{Goes out with Mrs. Bond and friends). 
Fowler, {addressing Pighead). 

Are you acquainted 

With Mr. Pighead ? 
Pighead. {passing on). I should think I am. 



82 THE COMET 

Fowler, {to Alderman Bowers). 

Excuse me, sir, Do you know Mr. Pighead ? 
Alderman Bowers, {laughing). 

Why, don't he know himself? That's one 
on Pig. 
Fowler. What does he look like ? 
Bowers, {confidentially). 

Like the devil washed 

For Sunday. 
Fowler. Is he barefaced ? 
Bowers. No, black-jawed; 

But say! If you are trying to catch him 

With a subpoena, you are in hard luck, 

For he is birdy, like a millionaire. 
Fowler. I am a gentleman. 
Bowers. Say! Say! Come off! 
Fowler. A colored gentleman. 
Bowers. Oh, yes! Yes, yes! 

And say, if you should move to Africa, 

That's just north of Hell's Kitchen, don't 
forget 

Jim Bowers, the Alderman, Election Day. 

'T is worth a five, and bring your friends 
along. 
Fowler. Say, Alderman, a word in confidence. 
{They step aside). 

The twinkle in your eye is full assurance 

To me, that you enjoy a little joke. 
Bowers. I do, if I am not the butt. 
Fowler. Look here, 

I am a Student at Eureka College, 

And I have corked my face to have some fun 

With "Resolution Piehead." 



THE COMET 83 

Bowers. {choking with laughter) 

Go it! Go it! 

My money is upon your nag, my boy! 

{Fowler and Amelia move on, gazing about 
and making inquiries right and left. At length, 
Pighead is pointed out as he draws near to 
Gardner). 
Pighead. 

Why were you so thin-skinned at our last 
meeting 

About those Resolutions ? 
Gardner. Why, because 

Eureka is my Alma Mater, Sir, 

And I felt hurt at what dishonored her. 
Pighead. Felt hurt!! What are you giving 

me ? 
Gardner. Something 

Beyond your comprehension. 
{moves away). 
Pighead. Ho! Indeed! 
Amelia. Which one ? which one ? 
Several, {pointing at Pighead). There! 
Amelia. Oh, the first kiss, mine! 

{She attempts to kiss Pighead who draws away 
confused). 
Pighead. What do you mean, young woman, 

by this boldness ? 
Amelia. 'T is every woman's^privilege — 
Pighead. What is ? 
Amelia. To kiss a hero. 
Pighead. I am not a hero 

That you can make a fool of me. 



84 THE COMET 

Amelia. You are, 

Having the courage, Sir, of your convictions. 

Tour Resolutions were no hollow cant! 
PiGHEAD. True, very true. 
Amelia. A kiss, then! 

{Fowler holds Ptghead's arms and Amelia 
kisses him several times.) 
Fowler. Fall in line. 

Young ladies! Kiss the hero of the hour 

Before the coo-coo sings. 
PiGHEAD. Let go of me. 
Fowler. 

There is no relish like a woman's kiss, 

To give a man an appetite for life. 
PiGHEAD. {aside). 

I had the feeling that those Resolutions 

Would make me famous. 
Amelia. {Presenting an album and a fountain 
pen). 

Now your autograph. 

Next to John Brown, whose "Soul goes 
marching on." 
{He writes his name). 
Alderman Bowers. {Reaching over his neigh- 
bors^ shoulder and filliping Pighead's ear). 

If for the Widow — 
Amelia. Sir, I am no widow. 
Bowers. Or for the orphan, put me down for 

ten. 
Amelia. 
*T is not subscriptions, but the autographs 

Of celebrated men that I collect. 



THE COMET 85 

Bowers. 

Beg pardon. Might have known that when 

my friend 
Put down his name for anything. Hey, 

Pig? 
Fowler, {to Pighead about to start). 

Wait, wait, Sir! won't you give the bride 



away 



Pighead. What! 

Fowler. Or act as best man .'' 

Amelia. Do, kindly do! 

Pighead. {aside). Best man .? Well, I guess 

not! {starts off). 
Fowler. Can you omit 

The best man, Dear, from you trousseau ? 
Amelia, {reluctantly). Oh, y-e-s! 

Fowler. But, Dear, the ring! Did I give you 

the ring ? 
Amelia. You placed it in the pocket next your 

heart. 
Fowler, {after fumbling). 

It is not there!! Better announce the loss. 
{He stands on a chair). 

Ladies and gentlemen, my ring is gone. 
It has a green cat's eye, that in the dark 
Shines vv^ith so fierce a brilliance, my be- 
trothed, 
With it upon her finger, might repose 
Within a rat-pit on a cake of cheese. 
Without alarm. I chose the green cat's eye 
That it might charm the song-birds to our 

bower. 
And let no mouse come out, to terrify 



86 THE COMET 

The elephant of our connubial bliss. 
The gentleman or lady who returns 
The ring to its right owner, will receive 
My heartfelt thanks, and have no ques- 
tions asked. 

PiGHEAD. {returning). What do you mean ? 
Down! Down! I say come down! 

Fowler. Have you the ring ? 

PiGHEAD. Do you know where you are ? 

Fowler. In good society — among reformers 
Of other folks — where kleptomaniacs 
Are natural as colored chicken thieves 
Down where I came from. I feel quite at 

home. 
Bar every door and let nobody out 
Until the ring is found! 

Amelia. Why, there it is! 

Fowler. Where ? 

Amelia. On your finger. 

Fowler. I apologize. 

Ladies and gentlemen, aye, from my heart. 
It goes to show that it is wiser oft, 
In fashionable life, to search one's self 
Than cry, "stop thief!" Now for the busi- 
ness which 
Has brought us here. I thank you, one 

and all, 
Ladies and gentlemen, for having come 
To see us married. 

PiGHEAD. What! 

Gardner, {to Pighead). Your friend is daft. 
{The guests whispering to each other become 

uproarious in their laughter.) 



THE COMET 87 

PiGHEAD. Help me to take him out. 
Gardner. No, humor him. 

Think of the ladies. 
Fowler. Why do you folks laugh ? 

Is matrimony, friends, a laughing matter ? 
It is the greatest of united states, 
A world power that the civilized respect. 
{louder laughter). 

Why were we asked to come here ? I 

repeat. 
Why were we asked to come ? To be made 
fools of? 
'Pighead. {eagerly). 

Friend, who asked you to come ? 
Fowler. This invitation. 

{Takes a note out of his pocket and reads) 
"Dear Mr. Beelzebub: — 

"Learning that you are to wed an estimable 
white lady. The Liberal Club extends its cor- 
dial congratulations and would feel honored if 
you would accept the use of its Reception-room 
to-morrow evening for the ceremony. It as- 
sures you that there will be a large assemblage 
of well wishers present." 
PiGHEAD. Whose name is signed to that ? 
Fowler. John Henry Pighead's. 
PiGHEAD. An outrage! 

Fowler, {to Pighead). Call the Clergyman. 
PiGHEAD. {furiously). None here! 

Fowler. 

You are mistaken. Sir, for you should 

know 
This is a trial marriage. 



88 THE COMET 

PiGHEAD. {screaming). I don't care! 

Fowler. A trial marriage and no Parsons 
here! 

PiGHEAD. No. 

Fowler. Then the Seer. 

PiGHEAD. What! 

Fowler. Form a circle, friends. 

(Some of the guests form a circle). 

The Swedish sage, to whom it was first 

given 
To see the good in Trial Marriages, 
And who has never yet failed to appear 
At any seance from Oshosh to Gotham, 
Will tie our love according to the spirit 
That is without a knot. Now be so kind 
As darken up the room. 
{He turns off a gas jet.) 

PiGHEAD. Here! Here! hands off! 

Fowler. 

Why not make the conditions favorable ? 
Are you so ignorant as not to know 
That spirits are owl-eyed, and therefore see 
Best in the darkness f 

PiGHEAD. {to Alderman Bowers). 
Go for the police. 

Alderman Bowers. 

Not me, old man! The cops are all used up 
With watching gambling houses and saloons, 
Arresting honest women by mistake. 
And perjuring themselves to dodge the fine. 

Gardner, {to Pighead). 

Be careful now! How call in the police 
To throw out an invited guest, and colored ? 



THE COMET 89 

Alderman Bowers, {laughing). 

No use, I tell you! They are so fagged out, 
They cannot lift a foot to trip a thief 
Upon the highway, nor a hand to reach 
The coin collector, monkeying at night 
Up to the second story of your house. — 
Pig, let me manage him. 

PiGHEAD. What! — Try. 

Alderman Bowers. Look here. 

Young coon, are you stuck on yourself too 

much 
To let an Alderman hitch up the team ? 

Fowler, {to Amelia). 

An Alderman! A city father, dear. 
Whose hand is always out to help the poor, 
The sick and old, and who, on frosty nights, 
Is a Salvation Army in himself 
In getting shoes, hot coffee and a bed 
For every shivering creature. White or 
Black!! 

Amelia. The picture of ben-evolence! 

Alderman Bowers. No, Bowers. 

Coon, hit me with a vote, but no bouquets. 
Want me to do the deed ? 

Amelia. Yes. 

Alderman Bowers. Ready? 

Fowler and Amelia. Yes. 

PiGHEAD. 

No! As the Chairman of the House Com- 
mittee, 
Sir, I forbid it! 
Bowers. {To Fowler and Amelia). 
Come out on the stoop. 



90 THE COMET 

PiGHEAD. There I forbid it, too! 

Alderman Bowers, {winking to Fowler). 
Do you play poker ? 

Fowler. Do I eat possum ? 

Alderman Bowers. Follow me down stairs, 
Where any member has the right to bring 
A friend or two, to have a quiet game. 

PiGHEAD. {stepping before Alderman Bowers). 
No, no! no where upon the premises!! 

Alderman Bowers. My dues are paid! I 
stand upon my rights. 

PiGHEAD. The good name of the Club. — 

Amelia, {pulling Fowler vigorously). Come, 
darling, come, — 

Alderman Bowers. You bet I will dead-head 
it after this. — 

Amelia. 

Else, every parson will be fast asleep. 
And, if aroused, turn over in his bed, 
Thinking our knock his wife's or Curate's 
snore. 
{Pighead goes out furiously, stopping here and 

there to answer with wild gesticulations the ques- 
tions of the astonished guests. Fowler, taking 

Amelia's arm starts off, but, after a few steps stops 

and stands absorbed.) 

Amelia. Come, why delay ? 

Fowler. I have a scruple. 

Amelia, {affecting surprise). 
Scruple!! 

Fowler. Yes. All the Beelzebubs inherit it 
From Bill, the first infected. 

Amelia, {coaxing). I've no scruple. 



THE COMET 91 

Fowler. Sure ? 
Amelia. I should say so. 
Fowler. That is just the reason 

That I have. When a bride is over eager, 

A man should instantly apply the brakes. 
Amelia. How strange you talk! What has 
come over you ? 

What ails you ? Speak! 
Fowler. 

I gave my love for you 

A long, fair trial, but the verdict, read 

Only this moment to my consciousness. 

Favors another. 
Amelia. Belz! Can't you appeal ? 
Fowler. No. An appeal from judgment costs 

like hell. 
Amelia. Oh, monster! 
Fowler. Let us settle amicably 

Our differences. Could you be the brides- 
maid, 

Amelia ? 
Amelia. What!!! 
Fowler. 

'T is only one remove, 

And is a step aside from every risk. 
Amelia. You villian! 
Fowler. 

Come, my girl, be reasonable. 

I mean to be quite generous. In fact, 

Nothing would please me more than have 
you come 

Along with us upon our honey-moon. 

Provided that you give me back my letters. 



92 THE COMET 

Amelia, {ironically). 

Those shaded red and full of crimson blots, 

Because, when writing them, Love dipt 
your pen 

Into the inkhorn of your bleeding heart ? 
Fowler. The same, dear girl! the same. 
Amelia, {aside) Well, next to Love, 

The sweetest thing to woman is revenge! — 

Belz! Belz! Belz! I shall return your 

notes, 
And be brides-maid. 

Fowler. Will you ? 

Amelia. I will! I will! 

If you take me upon your honeymoon 
Which will, of course, be to Niagara. 

1 want to see those Falls, because I know, 
Though mighty and appalling, they are 

still 
Less awful than a woman's tearful heart 
Tumbling without cessation, night or day, 
Summer or winter, from the heights of 
Love. 
Fowler. Come, come, all that is past. 
Amelia. Where is the bride ? 
Fowler. I thought that I would surely meet 

her here. 
Amelia. Who is she, that I never knew till now 

Of her existence ? 
Fowler. Becky — 
Amelia. Oh, that thing. 

Who does not know enough — to be on 

hand 
At her own wedding! 



THE COMET 93 

Fowler. {Beckoning to Alderman Bowers). 
Alderman! The fun 
Is just beginning. I am to elope 
With Pighead's daughter, and have him 

engaged 
Already to defend the husband's rights 
Against the father's. Here is his receipt, 
And also card which he gave me for you. 
{Hands them to Bowers). 
Alderman Bowers. 

What! Jimminy! Say, Coon, give me this 

paper 
To hang it with my license over the bar. 
Fowler. Will you perform the rite ? 
Alderman Bowers. Will I! Will I! 

I have been waiting for this chance for 

years! 
With me upon the platform, he once called 
The Honorable Board of Aldermen, 
Of which I am a member, and no better 
Than any of the rest, a set of boodlers!! 
I swore then that I would get square some 
day. 
Fowler. Will you be in your office in an hour ? 
Alderman Bowers. Will I ? Will I ? You 
bet, and open wine! 
{Fowler exit with Miss Amelia.) 
Alderman Bowers. 

Willi? Oh, will I? You bet your last dollar. 
{Putting the card and receipt in his pocket, he 
cannot control his laughter which becomes con- 
tagious among the guests.) 



94 THE COMET 

Oh, throw a pail of water over me, 
Somebody! Nothing short will quench this 

fit. 
"Call out the Fire Department! "Call 

Three Sixes!" 
Order another million feet of hose 
That will not "bust," and play the whole 

North River 
Upon this conflagration of a fit. 
Before it spreads and burns the town to 
ashes! 
A Guest. What are you laughing at ? 
Bowers. That all of you 

Should laugh like me, without one knowing 
why! 
{He makes his way out, stumbling against 
several guests in his convulsion of laughter.) 

{The guests hush on the entrance of Baldwin 
and other students, black in complexion and gaudy 
in attire. The Students sing, and as Pighead 
returning, gesticulates to them to desist, Baldwin 
apes a Musical Director in his face. The Stu- 
dents imitate the act of drinking.) 
Baldwin. Here's to woman, without who', 

man — 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 
Baldwin. Might an ape be, but no true man. 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 
Baldwin. 

She gives him his social trim. 
Thereby making a man of him. 
Students. Drink it down, drink it down, 
drink it down. 



THE COMET 95 

Phelps. {Entering and lifting his hands in 
horror). 

Brethren! You shock me! I must leave. — 
Goodnight. 
{Baldwin and the other students gather around 
htm.) 

No! No! No use of talking. I came here 
On the condition that you would help me 
To push along the cause of Temperance 
By turning down your glasses at the feast, 
On the approach of Satan in the guise 
Of a meek waiter, with his face smeared 

over 
With smiles in expectation of a tip; 
But you no sooner get a whifF of wine 
From breaths of people, welcoming your 

coming, 
Than you start up a drinking song, forsooth! 
Baldwin. The song is praise of woman and 

not wine. 
Phelps. 

Oh! Woman! Then repeat it. You can't 

praise 
Woman enough to please the Ministry; 
For what would Churches be without her 

presence .? 
Mere empty barracks where the devils' imps 
Would howl to hear the echo of their laugh. 
{Several white ladies, students in disguise, 
who have been sitting among the guests, approach 
the singers and greet them cordially to the utter 
amazement of the bystanders). 
PiGHEAD. Who hired this Glee Club ? 



96 THE COMET 

Gardner, (coolly). 

They are our new members. 
PiGHEAD. What!! (stands dazed). 
Gardner. 

How you smile! That smile will spoil 

their dreams, 
Like a dark lantern in a burglar's hand. 
Mr. Bond, (reappearing with Mrs. Bond). 

What is the matter ? 
Pighead. (pointing). 

These are our new members!! 
Phelps. 

I thank you for the introduction, Sir, 
And promise that we all will do our part 
To make the Club swell — in its member- 
ship. 
(Pighead and Bond stand dumfounded.) 
Baldwin. Be seated. Over here there are 
some seats. 
(They go in a bunch.) 
Phelps. Now, not apart, as though you 
thought yourselves 
Superior beings. 
Mrs. Bond, (in horror). Bond!! 
Phelps. Be neighborly! 

Thaw out society, which, at afPairs 
Of this description, is too oft a chill 
That freezes men and women statuesque 
In niches, here and there; when, just as 

well. 
It might be music and inspire a dance. 
(They sit among the white folks who arise 
in indignation.) 



THE COMET 97 

Mr. Bond. 

I know, my dear, but, if undiplomatic 
In this small thing — remember! 

Mrs. Bond. Oh, remember! 

I have been hearing this till I am tired. 
I hate to have a hand clapped on my mouth, 
Whenever I desire to say a word. 
Bond, put them out! 

Mr. Bond. 

But dear, that might embarrass 
The President! These people now have 
freedom — 

Mrs. Bond. 

Have you not told me. Bond, a thousand 

times. 
Their freedom is but bullion in the mint, 
Meant only for inflation in the South ? 

Mr. Bond. 

No matter what I told you. If I anger 
The Cabinet — what then? For nothing 

gives 
The President the sense of sweet relief, 
Like an excuse for not appointing one 
To any office that the many seek. 

Mrs. Bond. 

"Many!" What many? Mean to tell 

me. Bond, 
That after you have given — 

Mr. Bond. Shu! 

Mrs. Bond. Forty thousand 

For the election of the President! — 
The regular price for London — these your 
words, 



98 THE COMET 

That there are "many?" Any one but 
you? 

Mr. Bond. Don't mention that! 

Mrs. Bond.. But I shall mention that! 

Mr. Bond. 

Dear, if the women hear of it, one's chance 
Grows less and less, for then the wife must 

run 
The gauntlet with her husband for the prize. 

Mrs. Bond. 

John Henry Bond! do you doubt I possess 
The dignity and social tact required 
To represent America abroad ? 

Mr. Bond. 

No dear, if you would grace it with your 

silence, 
And now rehearse the grace. 

Mrs. Bond. 

What, Bond, have me 

Rehearse before these people ? Are you 

mad ? 
Not for the millions you assigned to me 
Upon the night you thought that you might 

fail. 
Will I put up another day, or hour. 
With your extravagance in politics! 

Mr. Bond. Dear, folks are listening. 

Mrs. Bond. Let them listen, Bond! 

When Gip, the dear, I paid a thousand for, 
Took sick one night with colic, would you go 
To get a specialist ? What if his fee 
Were fifty dollars ? Or, five hundred dol- 
lars ? 



THE COMET 99 

And when I changed his jewelled collaret 
For one more decent — one that might 

match mine — 
You moped about provokingly all day; 
But you pay forty thousand dollars, Bond, 
For something you may never, never see. 

Bond, {whispering). 

Dear, what about your Chair of Poetry ? 

Mrs. Bond, {sharply). Well, what about it ? 

Bond. Will you ever set 

Your eyes upon it ? 

Mrs. Bond. You just wait! just wait! 

{aside). I wonder will the world think me 

a fool, 
Because I choose to play the simpleton 
To break a promise, made without a 
thought. 

Bond. What did you say, my dear ? 

Mrs. Bond. Oh, catch a woman 

So foolish as not get her money's worth, 
Or pay before hand, or not get a contract! 

Bond. Dear, kindly say no more. 

Mrs. Bond. I will say more — 

That you. Bond, shall not sign another 

check 
For this vile Club, this Stag abomination. 
This Club that has become the rendezvous 
Of Negroes and white women, lost to shame! 

Bond, {aside in despair). 

This is no human tongue, but devil's tail 
Lashing in fury! She has swallowed him. 
Poor devil! He has my commiseration. 



100 THE COMET 

Mrs. Bond. 

You have advanced too much already, sir! 

Without a tittle of security. 
Mr. Bond. Why, dear, I have a mortgage on 

the Club. 
Mrs. Bond. You have } When did you get it .? 
Mr. Bond. Why last year. 
Mrs. Bond. Is it recorded ? 
Mr. Bond. Yes. 
Mrs. Bond. Is it among 

The papers that you have assigned to me ? 
Mr. Bond. Why, certainly. 
Mrs. Bond. 

Then, Bond, it is foreclosed. 

And I demand possession instantly. 
Mr. Bond. But, dear — 
Mrs. Bond. 

Bond, home! That is the only place 

You can "dear" me. You blockhead, 
dunderpate! 

If these men want a Club, let them support 
it! 

Let them pay dues, or find some other fool. 
Mr. Bond, {aside). 

Oh, fool of fools to have assigned my all! 
Mrs. Bond. 

Out, everybody! I must have the key. 

The smelling bottle. Oh, the smelling 
bottle. 

Oh, why, Bond, did you ever bring me here ? 
{Mrs. Bond falls semi-conscious on the floor, 
and the guests gather around.) 



THE COMET loi 

Bond. 

Back, please! Air, air! some air! 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. {pushing through the 
crowd.) O Mr. Bond, 

Is your dear lady dead ? 
Bond, {muttering.) She's not that kind. 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. Her lips are moving. 

What, dear, would you say ? 
Mrs. Bond, {faintly). 

Always — put sugar — in — the milk — 
for Gip: 

Have me — cremated. 
Mr. Bond, {fumbling in his pocket and mum- 
bling) 

Sure! You did as much 

For me — in life. Take this, it will re- 
vive you. 
Mrs. Bond, {resisting). No! No! 
Mr. Bond, {muttering while holding her nose 
and admtnistering a powder). 

The driver knows his mule. 
Mrs. Bond, {faintly). Oh! Oh! 
Mr. Bond, {muttering). 

Her foxy nature after every chase 

That slie gives me, resorts to such a feint; 

But, this time, it will be the real thing, 

At least for a few hours. I have to breathe. 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. {bending over Mrs. 
Bond). 

Her lips are moving. — What, dear, would 
you say ? 
Mrs. Bond. 

Tell the cremator — to cut off — my hair — 



102 THE COMET 

And have — it made — a royal — fairy — 

robe — 
With train — for Gip — in time — for next 
year's — Show. 
{Mrs. Bond closes her eyes and the guests re- 
peat her last request.) 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. Poor lady! She has 

breathed her last. 
Mr. Bond, {grimly). Oh, no! 

She is a feline family — in lives. 
{whispering to Pighead.) 

Now is the chance I have been waiting for. 
I shall be at your house in half an hour. 
Mrs. Haughtyhead. {ogling Mr. Bond). 

I must say that some men have wonderous 

patience. 
All evening, you have had my sympathy. 
Mr. Bond, {with sarcasm). 

Wait, Madam! Mrs. Bond is not yet cold. 
{He carries Mrs. Bond out with the aid of 
the guests.) 
Pighead. {rising on a chair). 

Ladies and gentlemen, let me explain. 
Some thirteen names were recently proposed 
For membership. The member who pro- 
posed them. 
Did not inform us they are colored men. 
Gardner, {pleasantly). 

Sir, by what by-law was I so required ? 
Pighead. 

The banquet is postponed, since, though 

they see 
They are not wanted, they do not withdraw. 



THE COMET 103 

Like gentlemen, but stay to raise disturb- 
ance. 
{Hastens out in Mr. Bond's direction). 

Gardner, {to the guests dispersing). 

Ladies and gentlemen! don't be alarmed! 

There is no fire upon the premises, 

But just a little smoke, blown through the 

windows 
From old Eureka College, set ablaze 
With indignation at the Liberal Club 
For Resolutions that were hollow cant. 

Phelps, {leading). 

Having now avenged Eureka — 

Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 

Phelps. Let us go and fill the beaker. 

Students. Drink it down, drink it down. 

Phelps. Any man who does not double 
For lost drinks, will get in trouble. 

Students. Drink it down, drink it down, drink 
it down. 

Phelps. He is all right! 

Several Students. Who is all right ? 

Students, {in chorus). Paul Gardner! 

Phelps. 

"The Epoch's glory and Eureka's pride" 
Will now oblige. 

Students. He will! he will! he will! 

Gardner. 

A word, then. Gentlemen, you have done 

well, 

Not only that you have avenged with spirit 

Your Alma Mater, but that you, in driving 

The Public Mind to pasture, have not led 



104 "fHE COMET 

Where poison ivy might become its cud. 
The moral of your merriment to-night 
Is that it is a foolish, futile thing 
To try to shape Society by codes, 
Vetoed by Nature. Nature trumpets forth 
No edict through the instinct of a race, 
Proclaiming certain territory hers 
And warning all encroaching Powers there- 
from, 
Without the ordering out of her reserves 
To see to it, the edict is enforced. 
Let politics keep off forbidden shores. 
The larger purport of your play, dear friends, 
Is to awake the White Intelligence, 
The god-like genius that, on having brought 
This Western World from out the chaos 

dark 
Of waters and of woody wilderness, 
And shaped it into hills of hope for Man, 
Must providence its beautiful Creation 
With altruistic love and tenderness; 
So that all tribes of men, what e'er the hue, 
Have each a hill, where it can touch the 

Star 
That it has followed with its mental growth. 
{The students applaud). 

We are due at Eureka, Gentlemen. 
{They fall over each other to get in line and 
follow Gardner, and, as they make their way 
through the curious guests who have lingered, or 
come back, they utter the College cry.) 

Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! Eurek! Ha! Ha! 
Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 



THE COMET 105 

ACT V . 

{Mr. Pighead's Reception-room and office, as 
in the third Act. The gas-light is dim, and 
Becky IS in a chair in a reverie.) 
Becky. 

Perhaps — Maybe — More likely — Prob- 
ably — 
Still, possibly — Oh, making nothing but 
A pin and needle cushion of my heart! 
Dear Fred! I shall take refuge in your 
song. 
{She kisses the copy, sits down at the piano 
and rehearses the air.) 
Dinah, {entering robed for departure). 
Miss Becky, 

I'se goin'. Good Lor' knows I'se sorry. 
Becky. 

Wait till the morning, Dinah. By that 
time, father will have forgotten all about the 
shoes, if you only get the boy to have them 
shined. 
Dinah. 

I'se afraid to stay. Miss Becky! I'se 

afraid! 
Every night dare is strange noises in your 
father's room. 
Becky. Nonsense! 

Dinah. Maybe! but still I'se goin'. But, 
first — 
{She raises the gas-light to a full blaze and 
hurries out of the room.) 
Becky. The creature is demented! 
Dinah, {returns with a long handled duster.) 



io6 THE COMET 

No spider is goin' to have de laugh on me, 

And say, I'se here, but Dinah, she am 
gone! 
{After dusting the ceiling.) 

I'se a clean woman, Miss Becky, but your 
father, he stan' here an' look up dar! 
Becky. Oh! that is when he is thinking. 
Dinah. 

Maybe, but I don't want Mr. Pighead 
tinking cob-webs whar dey ought not be. 
Becky. Has father paid you for this month ? 
Dinah. No, Miss Becky. 

He say come round next week, just like he 
say to de man what brought de flowers. I'll 
be here furst. 
Becky. Wait till the morning and I will get 

you your money. 
Dinah. 

O Lor' knows you is good. Miss Becky! 
and if you ever get married, send for me, no 
matter how old I'se grown or crooked with de 
rhumatiz; for I'se right smart in handling little 
ones. I'll save you doctor's bills, for I has 
Mammy's sure cure for de measles and de mumps. 
Becky, (laughing). O certainly, Dinah! If 

I ever am so foolish! 
Dinah. 

Zackly what I say to-night, dough I put 
round de clock to haste de time for meetin' 
Sam. I will be back den. 
Becky. Must you go out to-night, Dinah ? 
Dinah. 

Sure, Miss Becky! I could not stay in 



THE COMET 107 

to-night for all de worl' for Sam is goin' to 
have de ring for me. It has a pearl stone in 
it dat prevents de misery; else, to tell the tru' 
I'd stay right home to-night, cause I put de salt 
'sted of de sugar in my tea. 
Becky. If you must go, return early. 
(Exit Dinah and Becky plays and sings.) 

WHEN LOVE LAY DEAD BETWEEN US 

Oh, Love, whose wild delight was 

To take our hands and soar 

To regions where no night was, 

But only morn' before, — 

One day grew pale of features, 

At something idly said. 

And best of all God's creatures 

Lay there between us, dead. 

We could not turn our faces 
From Love upon the bier; 
Love there with all his graces. 
Except one word to cheer! 
I bent and kissed him madly; 
You kissed him, too, and then, 
Up, up, he rose and gladly 
Snatched us to Heaven again. 

{Fowler disguised as a colored gentleman enters 
unperceived by Becky and repeats the last two 
lines in a different key). 
Fowler. There should not be a discord in a 

love song. 
Becky, (who has risen from the piano in 
amazement). Well, sir! 



io8 THE COMET 

Fowler, 

Yes, very well indeed, except 

A heartache, now and then; but what ails 
you that you are not this evening at 
the banquet ? 
Becky. Are not you, sir, in the wrong house? 
Fowler. Guess not. 

Now, don't let me disturb your exercises. 

Do you admire the music of the future? 
Becky. What is your business, sir ? 
Fowler. My business. Miss ? 

Ask rather for my father's. Would it be 

In proper form for me, a well bred youth, 

To have an occupation ? When our Sires 

Have piled "the dust" up, should we, too, 
be moles ? 

If I should ask you, what your business is, 

Would you not take offense ? And justly 
so; 

And is a gentleman less sensitive ? 

Oh! when will men have equal rights with 
women ? 
Becky. {Arousing from the spell of his glance). 

Please leave the house. 
Fowler. 

Be patient. Is not patience 

As charming in a woman, as a dimple 

In which her beauty vainly tries to hide ? 
Becky. Vacate this house, or I shall summon 

help. 
Fowler. 

You shock me, positively shock me. Miss! 



THE COMET 109 

I should as soon have thought a girl would 

let 
Her garter snap, and trail the ground with 

meal, 
As let her temper loose. 
Becky. The door! the door! 
Fowler. 

I know, Miss, where it is — I found it open. 

Lady, how can you so soon forget 
Your Vassar Valedictory ? Did you 

Not call out for the day — and oh! so 

sweetly 
That it must needs be deaf not to respond! — 
When there will be but one class in the 

land. 
And that the cultured; when fair graduates 
Of Vassar will feel holy exultation 
In being chosen by black bachelors 
Of Yale, Eureka, Harvard, or Cornell, 
To lead with them the march to Human 

Oneness ? 

1 heard you, Lady! I was at the door, 
One of the ushers. You fired me with love 
For culture that, thereby, I might some 

day 
Ask you to lead with me that glorious 

march. 
Your father, I am sure, will not object. — 
Becky, {amused). 

Why not go see him ? 
Fowler. 

Left him at the Club 

Where he informed me, you felt indisposed. 



no THE COMET 

Becky. Told you ? 
Fowler. 

Yes, — adding that you were at home. 
Becky. What! Why have you come here ? 
Fowler. A social call. 
Becky. On me ? 
Fowler. 

Yes. How could you, a lady, call 

On jne, a bachelor ? That would start 
gossip. 
Becky. Out! Out! 
Fowler, {kneeling). O angel of my life! hear 

me. 
Becky, {in distress). Oh! call some other 

time. 
Fowler. Thanks for that hope. 

Let not your soul run, like a timid mouse, 

Back to the hole, but play awhile, respon- 
sive 

To the low music of my throbbing heart. 

May I not take your hand ? 
Becky, {shrinking from him). Help! Father! 

help! 
Fowler. Would he were here to help me plead 

my cause! 
Becky. Help! Help! 
Fowler. Be calm. Beck! It is I, Fred. 
Becky. What! 
Fowler, {singing in his natural voice). 

Were Fate to change my face. Love, 

And blight my fortune, too. 

Would you your steps retrace, Love, 

Or would you still be true ? 



THE COMET iii 

Becky, {aside). His eyes. 

Fowler. Beck, am I still in the dark to you t 

Becky. 

You dreadful fellow! I shall never, never 

Forgive you. 
Fowler. Yes, you will. 
Becky. I never shall. 

My heart is in my mouth. 
Fowler, {attempting to kiss her). 

And so is mine. 
Becky, {drawing away). 

How dare you ? 
Fowler. 

Why, Beck, that our hearts might touch. 
Becky. Do you forget, Fred Fowler, how we 

parted ? 
Fowler. 

No, come to think; but, still, it was in- 
spiring. 

Wrote "Love Lay Dead Between Us" on 
the train. 

How do you like it ? 
Becky. Quite imaginative, 

If you think I make up so easily. 
Fowler. You have no need to make up. 
Becky. Keep your jokes. 

This fright to-night, Fred, I will not con- 
done. 
{Turns away.) 
Fowler, {following her). 

Love and forgiveness are a woman's eyes; 

She cannot ope the one and shut the other, 

Then stand before the mirror of her heart 



112 THE COMET 

Without a laugh, or shudder. You just 

try; 
I dare you! Smile, Beck! smile! You do 

not now 
Recall my Love the blacker that you look. 
Becky. 

Bold, I must say! Now tell me, honor 

bright. 
Were you expelled from College for an act 
That you would think disgraceful ? 
Fowler. Certainly not. 
Becky. Fred, honor bright .? 
Fowler. Beck, honor bright. 
Becky. I knew it. 
Fowler. 

I was miles off that night, at Gardner's 

house, 
Consulting him regarding mother's chair 
of Poetry. 
Becky. 

Indeed! The man who wrote 
That "one cannot wed Art and Woman both 
And hope for heaven on earth ?" 
Fowler. Oh, as for that, 

I have converted him, and he agrees 
With me now, that, however miserable 
A man may be with woman, he is worse, 
A thousand, thousand, thousand times 
without her. 
Becky. 

I must forgive him, I suppose! But, Fred 
Why did you not come sooner to relieve 
My awful state of mind concerning you ? 



THE COMET 113 

Fowler. 

You were the first I called on, certainly! 
But, dear, your father met me at the door 
Like the stone lion there, become alive, 
And tore me piecemeal. Beck, I was pro- 
voked. 
And only that he was you father — well. 
No matter. He was frank enough, de- 
claring 
That he preferred a dark affinity 
For you. — How could I help but color up ? 
Get ready, Beck. I have a cab outside 
To fetch us to Eureka. 

Becky. Where, Fred ? Where ? 

Fowler. I promised mother I would not leave 
college 
Without obtaining a degree. 

Becky. Why, Fred, 

How a degree, when you have been ex- 
pelled ? 

Fowler. The Rector will give it by marrying 
us. -^ 
A.B. a Benedict. 

Becky. A. B. A Bride. 

Fowler. 

Good, good! I did not think of that. 
Why, Beck, 

You will be the first woman, who has ever 
Been granted a degree at old Eureka, 
Which is so much afraid of woman's wit, 
It shuts its doors on her, and is so fearful 
Of woman's tongue, it sneaks beneath the 
platform 



114 THE COMET 

And kicks up like a mule to smash the 

planks, 
Rather than cope with her in eloquence. 
Becky. But will the Rector — 
Fowler. Why, of course, he will, 

So long as I am Black! We take no chance 
But ride directly to the Alderman. 
Becky. With your face black ? 
Fowler. Yes. 

Becky. Not for all the world. 
Fowler. Then Beck, for greater than the 
world, for love! 
{He attempts to kiss her, but she breaks away 
with a peal of laughter.) 
Becky. 

No, no! How queer you look! Would 

not believe 
That it is you, excepting for your eyes. 
Fowler. 

I thought your father would have blackened 
them. 
{They hear the outer door slam). 
Becky. Fred, Father! 
Fowler. Swallow me, O floor! 
Becky. His slam 

When anything goes wrong. Here, here, 
in here. 
{She opens the bookcase and Fowler enters 
the compartment designed by Mr. Pighead for 
his unseen witnesses. She closes the door but 
not completely. Mr. Pighead appears and walks 
up and down the room several times without utter- 
ing a word.) 



THE COMET 115 

PiGHEAD. Was anybody here ? 
Becky, (hesitating a moment). 

Yes, Mr. Lamb, 

The Butcher. 

PiGHEAD. 

What the deuce brought him ? 
Becky. The bill. 

PiGHEAD. 

The rascal! He it was, who organized 
"The Anti-Dead-Beat Club of the Thir- 
teenth Ward" 
Against me, when a candidate for Con- 
gress, 
And, when I was defeated, roared at me 
From out his vehicle, "he had got square!" 
One payment is enough for any bill. — 
Was there nobody else here ? 
(The bell rings). 
Becky, (going out). There's the bell. 

PiGHEAD. 

Bond, I suppose. Good I got home in 
time. 
Bond, (entering). Pighead you are a lucky 
dog. 

PiGHEAD. How SO ? 

Bond. You are not married. 

PiGHEAD. Hem! 

Bond. Your daughter ? 

PiGHEAD. (muttering). Niece. 

Bond, (approaching the bookcase for greater 

secrecy.) 

Safe here ? 
PiGHEAD. Beck, go up Stairs. 



ii6 THE COMET 

Bond. Here is the Will. 

Be quick about it. It must be put back 

Into the safe before my wife awakes, — 

An hour at most. 
PiGHEAD. How would z codicil, 

Cutting her scapegrace off and making you 

Sole legatee — 
Bond. I am no hog. 
PiGHEAD. I know, 

But Mr. Bond, are you aware the fool 

Intends to slur his father's honored name 

By throwing his inheritance away 

To the four winds ? 
Bond. Let him! Damn him, let him! 

All I want is my own — what, in the fume 

Of panicy parisis, I assigned 

To Mrs. Bond, and could not then get 
back 

On the regaining of my normal mind. 

PiGHEAD. 

But Mr. Bond, this is the simplest way. 
Bond. The simplest hell! What! wait until 
she dies, 
A woman who can pass through three 

train wrecks. 
And five hotels in flames without a scratch! 
You promised expedition, now make good. 
PiGHEAD. Where are the papers ? 
Bond, {after a pause). 
In her boudoir safe. 
On top of which she has her sharp-eyed 

cur. 
That never will forgive me for a kick. 



THE COMET 117 

PiGHEAD. You must get them. 
Bond. Must ? 

PiGHEAD. Must, and quickly. 
Bond. Hell! 

PiGHEAD. 

As for the mortgage on the Liberal Club, 

I thought it policy, not to record it, — 
Bond. Good, good!! you are a brick. — 
PiGHEAD. And thought it wise 

To make myself the assignee. 
Bond. What! 
PiGHEAD. Yes, 

But there is now no time to talk of that. 

The papers! Get the papers! 
BoNf). In an hour, 

Though I have to choke the cur to get at 
them. 
{He starts followed to the door by Pighead). 
PiGHEAD 

Meanwhile, I shall fix up the codicil, — 
{He returns and gazes up at the ceiling). 

Including a provision to ensure 

Due compensation for my services. 
{Walks up and down). 

A million is my mark. A million! million! 

If he should question that amount, what 
then ? 

No probate of the Will! I have him there. 

A million! Oh, a million! If to gurgle 

The mere word million, million, gives de- 
light, 

How much more exquisite, more ravishing, 



ii8 THE COMET 

The pleasure from the substance in the 

hand! 
Rebecca! — But no matter. Never mind. 

Becky. {Entering with anxious look). 
What is it, Pa ? 

PiGHEAD. 

Oh, nothing! — save to say, 

Rebecca, it was well you did not come 

This evening to the Club. Another proof 

Of woman's intuition! Think of it!! 

The rascal! rascal! 

{Takes a -flower pot and dashes it against 

the book case concealing Fowler.) 

Becky, {in alarm). Father! 

PiGHEAD. Crazy poet! 

Who has black men made members of the 
Club! 

Becky. Who, Pa ? 

PiGHEAD. {savagely). Paul Gardner. 

Becky. Oh! and is that all ? 

PiGHEAD. That all! 

Becky. I thought that something dreadful 
happened. 

PiGHEAD. 

What could be dreadfuller than having 
blacks, 

And educated ones, which makes the case 

Incalculably worse, made full fledged mem- 
bers 

Of the great Liberal Club, "to make it 
swell 

In membership," as they already boast ? 
Becky, {timidly). Maybe they are not black. 



THE COMET 119 

PiGHEAD. Beck, am I blind ? 

{Tumbles the chairs). 
Becky, (excitedly). 

It does not hurt their feelings, Pa, but mine 
To toss the chairs about. 
(Lifts the chairs and places them between the 
bookcase and her father.) 
Oh, I don't know 

What I am doing! Let them stay there! 
PiGHEAD. (dashing another flower-pot against 
the bookcase.) 

Rascal! 
Becky, (hysterically). 

The flowers have not offended! How can I 
Now deck your client's cell ? 
PiGHEAD. Oh, to the Devil 

With such a client! 
Becky. Pa! 
PiGHEAD. He lied to me! 

He said that he had friends! Yet, not a 

black 
Of them but wants to see his dangling 

corpse, 
Rather than give a dime for his defense. 
(Tumbles the chairs.) 
Becky, (piteously). 

Pa! Hear the neighbors opening their win- 
dows. 

PiGHEAD. 

The Liberal Club is ruined! ruined! ruined! 
And in the debris lies my chance forever 
Of an appointment to the Bench, except 
I reach the President without delay 



120 THE COMET 

And stab Bond with his wife; then, plainly 

show 
The recognition due the Liberal Club 
Belongs by right to me, who am its brains. 
Shall I start now for Washington, or wait 
For Bond's return and finish up that job ? 
Becky. Go now — if you think best. 
PiGHEAD. I was not talking 

To you. — Head, take next train; tail, wait 
till morning. 
{Tosses the coin in the atr.) 

Confound it. Beck! Where did that dollar 
roll? 
Becky, (in opposite direction). 

I think somewhere in here. Pa. 
PiGHEAD. No, in there. 

{Pighead tosses the furniture and stoops near 
where Fred is hiding. Becky after hesitating 
a moment in distress, turns off the gas.) 
PiGHEAD. Am I an owl. Beck ? 
Becky. Pshaw! Turned it too far. 

I thought you needed stronger light to see 
Where it had rolled too. 
PiGHEAD. Always thinking wrong. 

Get me a match. 
Becky. 

There is not one upstairs. 
PiGHEAD. Go down and get one. 
Becky. 

There are mice downstairs. 
Pa, will you come with me ? Come, you 
go first. 
{Puts her hand on his shoulder.) 



THE COMET 121 

PiGHEAD. {starting). Why did you turn the 
gas off, anyway ? 

Beck, you are always doing foolish things. 
Becky. Not always, Pa. 
PiGHEAD. {sharply and turning back) 

Beck, go up to your room. 
Becky. Why Pa ? 

PiGHEAD. {nervously). Go, go, I tell you. 
Beck. Go! Go! 

I want to think and I must be alone. 
Becky. Shall I bring down a match? 
PiGHEAD. No, darkness suits 

My mood now. 
Becky. Let me fix the room a little. 
PiGHEAD. {snapping). 

How can you fix the room up in the dark ? 
{Becky retires reluctantly, and Mr. Pighead 
walks to and fro. He soon hisses out his words, 
heightening his tone as he proceeds; and, toward 
the end of the passage, he clutches, strangles and 
with all his might jumps upon the victim — in 
imagination.) 

Now, now, I have him in my gladdening 
clutch. 

Earth is too small for both of us. A clause 

Cutting him off, shall be put in that Will, 

Whether Bond wants, or not. So they 
have talked 

Over and over, how, when free to use 

His fortune, they will start by being just 

To the last dollar! Which means simply 
that 

They will insist upon a full accounting 



122 THE COMET 

For these last fifteen years, and ruin me, 
When I become Chief Justice! Aye, Chief 

Justice! 
For I shall now mislay this testament, 
And not be able to recover it, 
Till Bond agrees in writing — word be 

damned! — 
To get the Trusts, which are omnipotent. 
And foreordain the Judges, like the Laws, 
To say the word for me, that cannot fail. 
But then to be dragged down! Oh, for 

a bit 
Of seasoned meat to throw across the fence 
Into his kennel, and to watch him bloat. 
Through a safe chink! No sunrise such 

a sight!! 
Ha, dog, you bark at me ? Have you nosed 

out 
With your mean dog intelligence, what 

Beck 
Could not with all her woman's intuition, 
That I am not her father ? And the flow- 
ers, 
In such profusion, never were designed 
To deck a cell, but be our nuptial bower ? 
Ha! Ha! you show your fangs! you show 

your fangs! 
Oh, I will tear you, tear you, limb from 

limb. 
And crush you, crush you into maggot 

food!! 
Becky, {entering alarmed by the noise she has 

heard). 



THE COMET 123 

Oh, Father! what is it that you have done ? 

Oh, I would rather, yes, a thousand times, 

That you had murdered me! had mur- 
dered me! 
PiGHEAD. {cooling from his excitement) 

Beck, Beck, what ails you ? — 
Becky, {sobbing). 

Murdered me — me — me! 

Where is he? Oh! where is he? Not a 
moan; 

Still, he may not be dead. A doctor, quick! 

PiGHEAD. 

Beck, are you crazy ? I was only dreaming. 
I dozed a moment, and I thought a dog. 
That had been following me life-long. 
Had sprung upon me with a savage growl. 
We grappled, but at length I caught his 

throat, 
Choked him and crushed his brains out 

with my heel. 
Becky. Oh, nothing all this night but frights 

for me! 
Come, father, to your room and go to bed. 
Your dozing shows how badly you need 

rest. 
PiGHEAD. I am awake now. Did you find 

that dollar ? 
Becky. No, Pa, but Dinah will before she 

goes. 
PiGHEAD. 

She will, of course! the question is, will I ? 
If she should limp, make her take off her 

shoe. 



124 THE COMET 

Becky. 

Pa! You know well that Dinah, when 
she found 

The twenty dollar bill last Sunday morning, 

Did not purloin it, though you then accused 

The poor girl of the theft. 
PiGHEAD. The cunning creature! 

She put it in the Bible where she knew 

That I would never look. 
Becky. Be just to her,— 

She put it there till she got through her 
cleaning. 

PiGHEAD. 

Oh, "just" again! Rebecca! whyuse"just" 
So often when addressing me of late ? 

Becky. Father, what do you mean ? 

PiGHEAD. What do you mean ? 

My mind was never clearer in my life, 
And it has never had such need to be. 
I must at once draw up a document 
That duly signed by Bond, will, veritably, 
Make me Chief Justice. 

Becky, (kissing him). 

Oh, what glorious news! 
How happy, happy, father! — 

PiGHEAD. Oh, call me 
Father no longer! 

Becky, (smiling). Well, then, Mr. Justice! 

PiGHEAD. 

God! — come upstairs, Beck! I rhust tell 

you all — 
That your real name is Lovehart. 
Becky. What!! 



THE COMET 125 

PiGHEAD. Come, come. 

Put out the hall-light; those gas com- 
panies 

Are highway robbers. 
Becky 

My real name is Lovehart ? 

PiGHEAD. 

Help me upstairs and you will then, learn 

all. 
Put out the light. 
Becky. {For Fred's hearing). I shall come 
down again. 
{Becky helps Mr. Pighead upstairs and Fowler 
coming out of the bookcase moves around the 
room cautiously.) 
Fowler. 

What an eternity within that tomb, 
With devils raging round! for he is many; 
But, then, what joy to feel I was immune 
From peril, by the grace of woman's wit! 
So he is not her father, but a fraud. 
And wants to marry her! The gall of it 
Stifles me breathless; and his plot to 

change 
My mother's Will, and cut the "scape- 
grace off, 
"Whether Bond wants, or not!" The 

villian! still 
I owe him thanks; for 't is to his fore- 
thought 
I am indebted for a hiding place 
In time of peril, and the private box 
At his great exhibition of himself. 



126 THE COMET 

The devil's cunning always is his gibbet. 
He swings himself without an angel's help, 
As hangman. Oh, Divine economy! 
{He listens at the door). 

What, if the wretch attempt foul means ? 

I stay. 
I do not leave this house to-night without 
her. 
(Pauses). Oh, how I wish that Beck would 
hurry down! 
For ere I put the Rector to the test. 
Must go to Gip's assistance at the safe. 
One dog should help another. — O ye 

Lawyers! 
Ye tools of each and every infamy 
Against the public and the private weal! 
Ye clogs upon the axis of the world, 
In her rotation from the night to day! 
{Pauses). 

Make haste, make haste, Love! Time! un- 
yoke your oxen 
And hitch a span of lightnings to your wain. 
How devilish long it takes a girl to dress! 
But here she comes, the pink of all per- 
fections ! 
{Dinah enters from the hall, and seeing Fow- 
ler, shakes the house with her screech. Fowler 
glides into the back room. Mr. Pighead, coming 
dx)wn stairs with a rush, bumps against Dinah 
and pushes her further into the parlor.) 
Pighead. What is the matter ? 
Dinah. {Moaning). 

Saw de ghost of Mose! 



THE COMET 127 

PiGHEAD. Rot! crazy! crazy! 

Dinah. No Sair, I'se not crazy. 

It was de ghost of Mose, sure as I'se born! 

He said he would come back, Sair, if I took 

A ring from cousin Sam. Off, off it comes! 

I care not for **de misery" — Off! Off! 
{Takes It off). 

Now, out, out, out de window, — or de door, 

Forever! Mose, if you is here, look! look! 
{She goes to the parlor door, intending to escape, 
but shudders hack and lets out an unearthly shriek 
at the sight of Fowler, who snatches the ring and 
passes through the hall into the street.) 
Dinah. O save me, save me, Sair, from Moses' 
ghost! 
{She clings to Mr. Pighead who cannot shake 
her off). 

Pighead. {in a voice indicating altered atti- 
tude toward Becky). 

A match, Rebecca! 
Dinah, {seeing Becky hastening in Fowler's 
direction). 

Dar, dar, dar she goes! 
Pighead. {furious at Becky's departure). 

Rebecca! Oh, let go, let go, you hussy! 
Dinah. Won't, won't nohow! nohow! 
Pighead. {fiercely). Damn you, let go. 

Or I will choke you. 
Dinah. No, nohow! you want 

To follow her and shut me in alone. 

You won't nohow! Help! Murder! 
Pighead. Outch! 



128 THE COMET 

Dinah. 

Don't try to choke me den! Or dis hat pin 

Will go in all de way and find your heart. 
{Mr. Pighead becomes docile through terror and 
makes no further attempt to break from Dinah, so 
that the lovers are afforded ample time to reach 
Alderman Bowers' office.) 
Mr. Bond, {entering). 

The hall door open and the gas not lit, — 

That's kinder strange. Where are you, 
Pighead ? 
Pighead. {faintly). Here. 

{Mr. Bond lays down his packages on a chair 
and, striking a match, lights the gas). 
Mr. Bond. 

Well, by the Jumping Ginger! what is this ? 

And you the one I thought the lucky dog!! 
Pighead. {excitedly). This frenzied woman — r 
Bond. Keep your tale of woe, 

I have domestic troubles of my own. 
Pighead. But Mr. Bond! this negress — 
Bond. Oh, I see, — 

This your dark lady ? 
Pighead. {furious). No! 
Bond. Of course, deny it. 

Lie like a gentleman. Nothing preserves 

Respectability like strong denials. 

How long do you intend to keep me waiting .? 
Pighead. This woman has a hatpin in her 

hand! 
Bond. A hatpin! — Oh! then she has my 
respect. 



THE COMET 129 

Dinah, {releasing Pighead). 

He tried to guzzle me and shut me up. 
Bond. 

You should know better, Mr. Pighead, 

then 
Ever to try to shut a woman up. 
Postpone this tryst! I came here to trans- 
act 
Important business that may take all night. 
{Stoops and picks up the coin). 

Here, take this dollar, — better in your 

hand 
Than on the floor. 
{While Dinah is taking the dollar, Pighead 
snatches the hatpin and breaks it.) 
Pighead. Now you get out of here. 
Dinah. I'se goin', Mr. Pighead! I's goin'. 
You can take out this dollar from my wages. 
{She withdraws sidewtse with her eyes on Pig- 
head). 
Pighead. {apologetically). 

The Crazy creature! thought she saw a 
spook. 
Bond, {untying his package). 

Good acting! but 'tis no affair of mine. 
{Pighead starts for the door but is grabbed back 
by Bond). 

Pighead. I want to find my niece. 
Bond. Oh, to the devil 

With nieces! Did I come here for your 

pleasure ? 
Here are the papers — by the Jumping 
Ginger!! 



130 THE COMET 

PiGHEAD. What is the trouble ? 
Bond. 

Jumping Ginger! Look!! 
{Bond rattles the papers in Pighead's face 
without giving him a chance to glance at them.) 
Rubbish! all rubbish! Not a deed, nor 

mortgage 
In all the garbage I have donkeyed here! 
PiGHEAD. Look well. Some papers there may 

be of value. 
Bond. Value — Hell! This, a contract for 
a tomb 
Of pure Italian marble for her dog; 
This for green shades in the feline hospital, 
And this — Ha! for a Chair of Poetry 
Not to exceed the sum of fifty dollars, 
Including the expressage! Muck! all 
muck! 
{He scatters the papers on the -floor.) 
PiGHEAD. How did it happen ? 
Bond. Oh, I grabbed the stuff 

And, like a man with green goods, "never 

looked!!" 
Just like a man with green goods, "never 
looked!!" 
{In uttering the last line, his tone is one of 
mingled agony and amazement at hts stupidity) 
{He walks to and fro briskly.) 

No freedom for this fool! this fool of fools! 
My life is like a squirrel in the cage. 
For every bar I touch to make escape. 
But whirls me round the faster! Get me 
out! 



THE COMET 131 

PiGHEAD. Hem! Hem! I have been thinking 
seriously 
Over the matter that we have discussed. 
Bond. Oh, to the devil with your thinking! 

Act! 
PiGHEAD. It is a dark transaction, Mr. Bond! 
I feel compunction. Get somebody else. 
Bond. Damn it! What is your figure for the 

job? 
PiGHEAD. {after hesitating). 

A million. 
Bond. Cents ? 

PiGHEAD. 

No; dollars. In addition, 

I want your influence to get the Trusts 

To make me the Chief Justice. 

Bond. Jumping Ginger! 

Pighead, do you know what I think of you ? 

PiGHEAD. That matters little. 

Bond. You are crazy!! 

PiGHEAD. No, 

But am a politician just got wise 
To opportunities, I once let slip 
Through ignorance, or undeveloped nerve. 
Let us now put it down in black and white. 

Bond. You rascal! 

PiGHEAD. 

There are two of us, I guess. 
Bond. {After a long disdainful look at Pig- 
head). 

I had two packages. Where is the other ? 

Laid it somewhere here when I struck the 
match. 



132 THE COMET 

{^Searches a few moments and finding it on a 
chair, lifts it exultantly.) 

Ha! Ha! No fool! I knew I was no fool 

To leave what I was after, and seize only 

The rubbish. 
PiGHEAD. What is that ? 
Bond, {surprised). Another Will! 
PiGHEAD. The date — 
Bond. Last March — 
PiGHEAD. Signed — 
Bond. Signed — 
PiGHEAD. And witnessed ? 
Bond. Witnessed. 
PiGHEAD. Luck! 

Bond. I should say so. Graces! Jumping 
Ginger! 

Well, after this, I give up all attempt 

At sounding woman nature. 
PiGHEAD. {with misgivings and reaching for 
the paper). Why ? 
Bond. Hands off! — 

An ocean plummet is too short by leagues. 
{reading). 

I, Harriet Fowler Bond, in the full enjoyment 
of all my senses, in proof whereof I attach the 
sworn certificates of two distinguished members 
of the medical profession, wishing to dispose of 
my possessions, real and personal, according 
to my judgment, make this disposition my last 
Will and Testament. 

My Soul, I am ready at any moment to give 
back to its Maker who has been so lavish of 
His blessings to me and mine, expressing the 



THE COMET 133 

hope that He will deal as mercifully with me, 
as I have always tried to deal with others, even 
with the least of his creatures. 

I bequeath to my beloved husband, John 
Henry Bond, with whom my life has been un- 
interrupted happiness, all the stocks, bonds, 
deeds, mortgages and holdings of every descrip- 
tion specified hereinafter, that he has ever 
assigned me out of the goodness of his heart; 
and in addition, I bequeath to him, my beloved 
husband, one-third of my real and personal 
estate, excepting my cottage at Newport, my 
pet collie, Gip, and my jewels, which I give 
with my benediction to my affectionate son, 
Frederick Fowler, and the lady whom he selects 
to be his bride. 

I bequeath to my beloved husband, John 
Henry Bond, the third of my real and personal 
property, as aforesaid, on the condition that, if 
he should marry again, it shall be to the woman 
whom, on my account, he divorced on testimony 
which, judging from the utterances in his sleep 
on three distinct occasions, was manufactured 
by his attorney, one John Henry Pighead." 
PiGHEAD. {sarcastically). 

Is that to be a record of the Court ? 
Bond. 

"The residue of my estate, real and personal, 
I bequeath to my son, Frederick Fowler, with 
the request that he will erect an annex to the 
Feline Hospital founded by his mother, and 
that he will take her place on the Board of Di- 
rectors." Harriet Fowler Bond. 



134 "THE COMET 

"We believe that the testatrix of the Will to 
which we herewith subscribe ourselves as wit- 
nesses, is in the full enjoyment of all her senses. 
Gall Price, M.D. 
Laudanum Phial, M.D. 

PiGHEAD. 

Fie! I can break that Will. The witnesses, 

Shrewdly enough give testimony only 

As to her senses. How significant, 

No word as to the soundness of her mind! 
Bond, {folding up the will). 

Her mind is sound; 't is flawless, like her 
jewels. 

The will suits me. It gives me back my 
own 

And in addition — 
PiGHEAD. Names whom you must wed. 
Bond. 

'T is no compulsion where the heart is willing. 

One grows acquainted with the first wife's 
worth 

By contrast with the second's. 
PiGHEAD. You treat lightly 

A matter awful in its consequences; 

For, were this Will made public, we would 
be 

Excoriated, ostracized for life!! 
Bond. 

We ought to be. Damn it, we ought to be! 
PiGHEAD. But, Sir, my reputation! reputation!! 
Bond. 

Tour reputation!! Throw it in quicklime. 

The stench is fearsome. 



THE COMET 135 

PiGHEAD. Sir, this my reward ? — 
Bond. Must get these in the safe before she 
wakes. 
{Taking all his papers, Bond hurries off. Ptg- 
head, dumfounded, gazes up at the ceiling and 
then walks up and down the floor. Though 
Rebecca's name does not escape his lips, her 
"flight with its possible consequences to him con- 
tributes potently to his new determination.) 
PiGHEAD. 

You and your ilk, Bond! will yet feel my 

hand. 
I must not and I will not fail. This brain 
Shall be no longer powder on the ground, 
To flare without report, but charge a 

purpose, 
A mighty cannon that will wake the world. 
The Negro has no memory of wrong; 
I shall supply him with that memory, 
So help me, God! Ah, then my smile will 

be 
"Like a dark lantern in a burglar's hand," 
And spoil the dreams of many! All the 

Black 
Requires is intellect to plan for him 
The battle with the mob, and iron will 
Of the Dictator, both to guide his rage 
In the wild hour of triumph, and to build 
An empire, as enduring as the hills. 
{He moves toward the bower). 

I have the intellect! I have the will! 
'Tellect!! The will!! and now, so help me 

— Ough! 



1^6 THE COMET 

{He suddenly falls with a groan against the 
bower, crushing it, his protracted excitement^ 
superinduced by the drainage of his mental re- 
sources in concocting his last nefarious scheme 
to gain power, having culminated in a paralytic 
seizure.) 



THE COMET 137 

ACT VI 

{An observatory with telescopes, computing 
table and other appropriate belongings. Rector 
Wisdom IS gazing through the telescope and does 
not heed the knock at the door.) 
Gardner, {entering). 

Good morning, Rector! Wis, good morn- 
ing' 
Rector Wisdom, {without turning from his 
observation). Shu! 

If you are drowsy, go to bed. 
Gardner, {after a pause). 

Good morning! 
Rector Wisdom. 

Oh, Paul! I thought you were the Curate. 
— Look! 
{He makes place for Gardner at the telescope). 

What do you see ? 
Gardner, {after a pause). 

Old Mars, as red with rage 

As ever, at the earth for her bad manners 

In not acknowledging his bow to her, 

Signal for signal. 
Rector Wisdom. Is that all you see ? 
Gardner. 

I see the Spirit flinging stars like seed 

Before Him by the handful, right and left, 

And leaving not — oh, anywhere in space, 

Mind, heart, or soul — a dark without a star! 
Rector Wisdom, {returning to the telescope). 

Still at your poetry! not much of late, 
Gardner. 

Not in the hackneyed form, I must concede; 



138 THE COMET 

For now my language, in exultant moods, 
Is action to arouse the world from sleep. 
Rather than hand-clap rhyme to please 

the child; 
But how about the Pleaides, old boy ? 
Has she who hid for shame for having 

loved 
A mortal, reappeared ? 
Rector Wisdom. I make the comet 

My special study. 
Gardner. 

Always the divine! 
You seek the erring, even among the stars. 
Say, what about the one with the squir- 
rel's tail ? 
I read somewhere about it. 
Rector Wisdom. That is mine. 
Gardner, {taking his hand). 

Congratulation! Let me see it. Wis! 
Where shall I look for it ? 
{Goes to the telescope). 
Rector Wisdom. In right ascension. 

Two hours and fifty minutes, plus one 
second. 
Gardner. Yes! but it seems the tail without 

the squirrel. 
Rector Wisdom. 

The body is beneath it; you must look 
With your imagination through the lens. 
I base my claim to this discovery. 
Not on the tail which any one can view. 
But on the body, which I am the first 
To predicate, and which must soon appear. 



THE COMET 139 

{He looks through the telescope.) 

In my first calculation, I was wrong 
By only half a second, which was due 
To the disturbance by the College bell. 
Gardner. The College bell! What time was 

it? 
Rector Wisdom. Near dawn. 
Gardner. What was the matter ? 
Rector Wisdom. Oh, that crazy hazing 

Which Fowler, whom you wrote about, 
conducted — 
Gardner. Fred Fowler was — 
Rector Wisdom, {impatiently). 
Why, Paul! the Curate heard 
One of the others there call him by name. 
Gardner. 

It was his astral presence, then; but, say, 
A thought occurs. Was hazing at the hour 
That you descried the comet, not, at least, 
A strange coincidence ? Who knows, old 

boy! 
But that it was the comet you descried. 
Which influenced the youths to make the 

break 

From discipline ? If stars shed influence, 

Why not the comets ? Think it over. Wis. 

{Gardner is inspired to propose this theory by 

his sense of humor in order to put the Rector in 

a pleasant frame of mind to listen to a defense of 

the Students; but, when he observes that the idea 

makes an impression on the Rector, he seeks to 

strengthen it with argumentation, recalling Sir 

William Hamilton's testimony that the philosopher 



140 THE COMET 

finds It hard to overcome the temptation of associ- 
ating his name with a fallacious theory, rather 
than with none at all. The effect on the Rector 
IS not avowed by him, but it acts subconsciously 
throughout the rest of the Play, appealing to his 
pride as a philosopher as well as a scientist, and 
to some extent influencing his action.) 

Have wars and plagues not been concomi- 
tant 
With comets in all ages and all climes ? 
May there not be as much in such belief, 
As in ghost stories, that some scientists 
Find ground enough for psychical research ? 
Rector Wisdom, (impressed). Well! 
Gardner. 

I am serious. What colossal Fames 
Are pedestaled on gossamers as thin! 
Rector Wisdom. Quite true. 
Gardner. 

Why not propound the notion, Wis, 
That comets are the cause of earth's dis- 
orders ? 
Say! Say! Would that not ease the human 

conscience 
And soon ensure a mighty following ? 
Propound the notion boldly! boldly! boldly! 
It will connect Eureka's name forever. 
As well as yours, not merely with one comet, 
But with all comets, and, old boy, exalt 
Our Alma Mater in the world of thought. 
Rector Wisdom. There may be something, 
Paul, in what you say. 



THE COMET 141 

Gardner. 'T is something to have been a 
pioneer 
In any field of science, though unique 
In one's assumptions. There is nothing 

new 
Under the sun. Try, therefore, what may 

be 
Under the comet, which draws us through 

regions 
The sun has never traveled, and is never 
Likely to travel. 
Rector Wisdom, {lifting his hand). Words! 

Words! 
Gardner. Hardly! Has 

The sun yet shed a ray upon the problem 
Of Evil in the world ? The comet may, 
Since proven, as it does, that what may 

seem 
Sheer lawlessness in our sidereal space. 
Is still the working out of Cosmic law. 
Rector Wisdom. Oh, Oh, you poets! 

{Goes to the telescope.) 
Gardner, {following him). 
Get the Sophomores 
Who did the hazing, coldly to dissect 
Their consciousness to learn what prompted 

them 
To be unruly, and the length of time 
They felt the influence. This they will do 
Frankly enough, and with detail enlarged 
As by a microscope, if what they write 
Be privileged, and not used to their hurt. 



142 THE COMET 

Rector Wisdom. Well, but I have expelled 

them. 
Gardner. What! not others 

Beside young Fowler ? 
Rector Wisdom. Every one concerned. 
Gardner. But you will take them back in 

time ? 
Rector Wisdom. Not one. 

No discipline, no college. 
Gardner. Has the prize, 

Offered to any youth who could invent 
A deviltry his father did not play. 
Been yet awarded ? Will it ever be .? 
When we were Sophs and Seniors, did not 

we 
Make breaks from discipline and blaze 

night long ? 
Were comets, Wis, fixed stars when we 

were young ? 
Do you remember how we chloroformed 
The proctor through the key-hole of his 

room. 
In answer to his prayer; "Let me have 

peace. 
At least for one night in the year?" 
Rector Wisdom. Yes, but 

Should manhood ride the nightmare of 
his youth ? 
Gardner. 

No nightmare in this case, for, since our 

time. 
Brute force obliging freshmen to perform 
The acts of menials and the freaks of loons. 



THE COMET 143 

Has been replaced by sane, ennobling rites. 
Can you afford to check the great Reform ? 

Rector Wisdom. 

I have determined to pluck up the practice 
Of hazing, root and branch, and burn the 
seed. 

Gardner. 

A horticulture which the President 
Of every College on the globe, has tried 
Without a blooming product for his pains. 
Now, throwing off the Rector, man to man, 
Why be implacable in Fowler's case ? 
He was my guest that night from dusk to 
dawn. 

Rector Wisdom, (slightly annoyed). 

His conduct subsequent to his expulsion, — 
Inciting many others to rebel 
Against authority, then leading them 
In most disgraceful acts of violence 
Against tradespeople in their right to peace 
And the enjoyment of their property, — 
Has justified my sternness, if extreme. 
The light shows I walked straight, when 

in the dark. 
He is a dangerous youth. I had him 

marked 
For shipment, months before I sent him off. 

Gardner. Vicious ? 

Rector Wisdom. No, worse. 

Gardner. How worse ? 

Rector Wisdom. 

Hairbrained. Why, he 

Would fling a murderous, devastating bomb 



144 "THE COMET 

Into the social structure, for the noise, 
Or just to smoke a rat from out the wall. 
{Goes to the telescope.) 

Gardner. 

Now, not as bad as that! Young genius 

rarely. 
If ever, flings the pepper of his wit 
In handfuls on the fire of righteous ire, 
To set the world a sneezing, like the sea. 
Out of sheer malice! 'T is to clear the 

heads 
Of those who snuffle with the cold of cant. 
That he repeats the trick he learned at 
school. 

Rector Wisdom, {returning from the telescope 

and searching Gardner with his glance). 

Paul, tell me why you are so interested 
In that young man ? 

Gardner. Because, Wis, his expulsion 
May prove calamitous. 

Rector Wisdom. To whom ? 

Gardner. To you 
And to Eureka. 

Rector Wisdom. How ? 

Gardner. Because his mother 
May reconsider her bequest. 

Rector Wisdom. His mother .? 

Gardner. 

Yes, Mrs. Fowler Bond, the lady whom 
I represent in stablishing the Chair 
Of Poetry, and other chairs as well. 
To make Eureka foremost of the peaks 
That catch the sunrise. 



THE COMET 145 

Rector Wisdom, {agitated). 

How unfortunate!! 
Gardner. 

The son, moreover, on the very night 

The Colored youth was hazed, assured me 
that. 

In case the mother's sum did not suffice 

To make Eureka's Chair of Poetry 

The finest in the world, he would supply 

The shortage, on the day he came of age. 
Rector Wisdom, {aside). 

Eureka's discipline at any cost! 

Yet, yet, her needs are great. Ought I 
head off 

And kill a good upon its way to her ? 
{A knock, and Fred Fowler enters with Re- 
becca Lovehart, to the amazement of the Rector) 
Fowler. Good morning, sir! 
Rector Wisdom. 

Good morning! What is this .? 
Fowler. 

Are you the parson at the little church 

Down in Eurekaville ? 
Rector Wisdom, {sharply). Yes. 
Fowler, {to Rebecca). Bless the stars! 

{In this scene Rebecca talks little, partly because 
absorbed in thought on the events in the preced- 
ing act, but mainly because hers is a love that 
leans on her lover mentally and morally, with 
delight of the contact with the object of her affec- 
tion rather than with the sense of weakness. She 
concentrates her gleeful eyes on Fred, wholly 
oblivious of the presence of bystanders, though 



146 THE COMET 

not so obtrusively as to excite in them more than 
a smile in comment. She looks approvingly at 
whatever Fred says, or does, forgetting his dis- 
guise in her admiration, except when he attempts 
to kiss her, and her shrinking, then, is instinctive 
as in a dream. 

(Gardner goes to the telescope.) 
Rector Wisdom. 

The Curate is in charge. You can see 
him 

Tomorrow. I am busy. 
Fowler. Yes ? — Your name 

Is Hiram Wisdom ? 
Wisdom. Yes. 
Fowler. Your father, Seth, 

Held forth in that same pulpit ? — 
Rector Wisdom. Yes, — 
Fowler. And Saul, 

His sire, preceded him, and Absalom, 

His father, was the founder of the church. 
Rector Wisdom. You have my pedigree. 

Well! What of it? 
Fowler. A problem that has kept me wake 
whole nights. 

If there had never been an Absalom, 

There would have been no Saul; and, if 
no Saul, 

No Seth; and if no Seth, no Hiram; — 
Rector Wisdom, (curious). True — 
Fowler. Then, how much Wisdom would the 

world have lost ? 
Rector Wisdom, (smiling faintly). 

Well, what of it ? 



THE COMET 147 

Fowler. Just this — Bill Beelzebub, 

My father's great grandfather, saved the 

life 
Of Absalom's good mother, when a girl. 
And Absalom, attaining to the age 
Of reason, pledged his word that he, or his, 
Would, long as grass grows green and water 

runs. 
Wed, christen and inter the Beelzebubs 
Without charge of a dollar. 

Rector Wisdom. Oh, indeed! 

Fowler. 

But do you think Bill Beelzebub accepted 
That kindness, unconditionally? No! 
He was a simple man, who, holding fast 
To the fixed stars, left comets to the fools. 
{The rector straightens up). 

And so he answered; "Absalom! while you 
And yours are true in doctrine, I accept, 
On the behalf of my posterity; 
And now I ask you. Sir, do you hold fast 
To all the tenets that your fathers taught ? 
Or simply hold the ignorant to them 
For sake of social order, and to save 
A fine profession for its perquisites 
From being one of the "lost arts ?" 

Rector Wisdom, {aside). 

Well! Well! 
Is this a knave, or fool ? or maniac ? 
What do you want with me ? 

Fowler. To marry us. 

Rector Wisdom. Are there no clergymen else- 
where ? 



148 THE COMET 

Fowler. Not up. 

They keep good hours. We were informed 

that you 
Spend every night carousing — 
Rector Wisdom. What! — 

Fowler. Yes, sir, — 

Carousing with the heavens, and would not 

mind 
An interruption — 
Rector Wisdom. Misinformed! — 

Fowler. To help 

A fugitive, with bloodhounds on his track, — 
My dear one's dad and her three brothers. 
Rector Wisdom. Oh! 

Is this young woman white ? 
Fowler. Yes. 

Rector Wisdom. Is she dumb ? 
Fowler. 

Well, yes, Jwmfounded, Sir, though her 

affliction. 
The saddest possible to womankind. 
Dates back now scarce two hours. 
Rector Wisdom. Two hours! 
Fowler. Yes, Sir. 

You look incredulous. Who would not 

lose 
The power of speech, a woman though 

one be, 
To learn. Sir, that the man whom she had 

thought 
Her father, was a fraud who, not content 
With squandering her fortune, tried to 
blast 



THE COMET 149 

Her life by forcing her to marry him 

Instead of me, her lover, true to death ? 

This is a wicked world which men like you 

In the sky business. Sir, who keep aloof, 

Can bless the stars that you know little of. 
Rector Wisdom. 

How will I know, Sir, that she compre- 
hends 

The grave importance of this step ? 
Fowler. How know 

That any bride does ? They are all alike, 

Too much preoccupied with happy thoughts 

To think about the grave. 
Rector Wisdom. 

No levity. Her name ? 
Rebecca. Rebecca Lovehart. 
Rector Wisdom, {surprised). 

She can speak! 
Fowler. 

Of course! Dumb persons now-a-days all 
speak. 

They read the lips like posters on a fence. 
Rector Wisdom. Remove your veil. 
Fowler. Hold on there. Parson! wait! 

The ceremony first, and then the kiss. 

You parsons always want to be prepaid. 
Rector Wisdom. I must be sure she is not 

hypnotized. 
Fowler. 

Is she so sleepy-looking, you require 

An expert to attest she is awake ? 

Rebecca, raise your veil. 
{She removed it.) 



150 THE COMET 

We have been joined 

Already by an Alderman; but Beck 

Does not believe an Alderman has power 

Enough to pave and light the road to 
Heaven; 

Though, in most things, he may have pull 
enough 

To draw a mule from out its hide and 
hoofs. 
Rector Wisdom. Why don't you get your col- 
ored minister ? 
Fowler. 

I have my reasons, Sir. He disapproves 

Of all mixed marriages. He says no good 

Can come of them, except by way of fees 

And therefore charges double. 
Rector Wisdom. He is wise. 
Fowler. 

Wise ? No, Sir. He is Reverend Madison 
Wells. 

You know him, don't you? He's the col- 
ored preacher 

That, at the Great Alliance of all Chris- 
tians, 

Was hustled out at sight. 
Rector Wisdom. You should get him. 
Fowler. 

I would, were my dear bride as broad of 
mind 

As I am, Sir. You see, I don't object 

To a white Parson; but she does to a 
Black. 

The women folks need higher education. 



THE COMET 151 

Rector, {glancing at Fowler sharply). 

What is your occupation ? 
Fowler. Mine, Sir? Oh! 

'T is anything an honest man can do 
With brawny hands and something of a 

head, 
And her's is teaching music. 
Rector Wisdom, {impatiently). Oh! 
Fowler. "Oh!" Sir! 

Were you to hear her, you would not say 

"Oh!" 
She plays by ear, by sight, and, as she puts 
Her nose close to the sheet, I think by 
smell. 
Rector Wisdom, {depreciatively). 

How can she play, when she is hard of 
hearing ? 
Fowler. 

Oh! like Beethoven who, you know, was 
deaf. 
Rector Wisdom. Oh! sit down there. I shall 
ring up the Curate. 
{Goes to the bell, followed by Fowler). 
Fowler. Will not your Reverence perform 

the Rite ? 
Rector Wisdom. I am engaged. 
Fowler. 

What! Do you stultify 
Your public utterance ? 
Rector Wisdom. What utterance ? 
Fowler. That you would rather wed your 

daughter — 
Rector Wisdom. What!! — 



152 THE COMET 

Fowler. 

If you had one, and she would do your 
bidding, 

To a good Colored youth of education, 

Than have a Bishop, with Chinese dong- 
dong 

For chasing evil, tie her to the scion 

Of any of our White first families. 
Rector Wisdom. Who dares declare I ever 

made that statement ? 
Fowler. The press says Curate Jones. 
Rector Wisdom. What! — Just like him. 

Fowler. Do you repudiate the sentiment, 

Or reaffirm it ? 
Wisdom, {ringing the bell). 

I do neither. 
Fowler, {to Gardner). Sir, 

We need a witness, — will you honor us ? 
Rector. I have rung up the Curate, wait him 
there. 
{They sit aside and converse in the sign lan- 
guage.) 
Gardner, {whispering). 

Love plays strange pranks. 
Rector Wisdom. 

I cannot marry them, 

For grief to them and theirs can but result. 
Gardner. If you cannot, how can the Curate ? 
Rector Wisdom. Oh! 

He is a raw and simple fellow, Paul, 

Who never had a scruple in his life. 

He can perform the rite with a safe con- 
science. 



THE COMET 153 

Gardner. 

A handy fellow, Wis, to have about. 

Yet, should Intelligence that treads the 

heavens 
From star to star, w^ith Earth upon his back, 
Transfer the burden to the swaying shoul- 
ders 
Of Ignorance, that sprawls from cloud to 
cloud ? 
Frank Merritt. {dashing in). 

Save, save me. Rector! Barricade the door. 
{He locks the door and piles chairs and globes 
against it.) 

Rector Wisdom. What is the matter ? 
Merritt. Oh, a mob! a mob! 

I saw them from my window. 
Gardner. Friend, be calm! 
Merritt. 

They take me for a base Laocoon! 
{Alarmed at the sight of Fred and Becky, con- 
versing energetically in the sign language, he 
jumps on the window-sill, but is caught and pulled 
back by Gardner.) 
Gardner. 

Hold on! hold on! How save you, if you 

dash 
Your brains out ? There is no chance with 

the ground. 
Lie down here under cover and don't move. 
{He covers Merritt with the canvas and 
spreads maps over him.) 
{Three loud knocks.) 



154 THE COMET 

Rector Wisdom, {feebly). 

Who are you ? 
Voice, {outside). Friends. 
Rector Wisdom. What do you want .? 
Voice. {Outside). Admittance. 

Gardner. Admit them ? 

Rector Wisdom, {unnerved, and nodding neg- 
atively). 

Yes. 
Gardner 

One moment, gentlemen. 
{Gardner removes the chairs and opens the 
door, whereupon Phelps enters with his Delega- 
tion uttering strange sounds and expressing them- 
selves picturesquely with the sign language.) 
Rector Wisdom, {amazed). 

Are these men dumb ? 
Phelps. All delegations are, 

Except the spokesman. Sir. 
Rector Wisdom. Well, I declare! 

What can this mean ? Who let you up ? 
Phelps. No one. 

{Hank Smith translates the succeeding dialogue 
into the Sign language for the benefit of the dele- 
gates who are demonstrative in their appreciation.) 

A freckled-faced, red-headed, glass-eyed 
chap 

Objected, but our message was too urgent 

To tarry longer than to deputize 

A sub-committee to give him a hearing. 

And to report to us, on our return. 
Rector Wisdom. A rude procedure! 
Phelps. Not when you consider 



THE COMET 155 

The great importance of our errand, Sir. 
Are you Eureka's President ? 
Rector Wisdom. I am. 

Well? 
Phelps. 

No, not Well, but Wells, Sir, Madison 

Wells. 
A clergyman, not from the old man's choice, 
Because the calling is respectable, 
Pays well, and I am fit for nothing else; 
But from the feeling that I have been 
"called." 
Rector Wisdom. What do you want ? 
Phelps. We are the Delegation 

Come from the Liberal Club. 
Rector Wisdom. The Liberal Club! 

You mean to tell me that its members. Sir, 
Are — 
{Pauses). 
Phelps. 

Mutes ? Decidedly. That fact is known 
To every one who follows its proceedings. 
Rector Wisdom. 

That's surely news to me! Please state 
your business. 
Phelps. 

This Delegation from the Liberal Club 
Has, as you must have seen in all the 
papers — 
Rector Wisdom. I have no time for papers. 
Phelps. You must sit 

Sequestered from your epoch, then, which, 
pardon 



156 THE COMET 

My frankness, quite explains why you 

know little. 
Or nothing, Sir, about the Liberal Club. 

Rector Wisdom. 

My time is valuable! Please proceed. 

Phelps. 

We come here to apologize most humbly 
For the injustice done this institution 
By Resolutions, passed at our last meeting 
Upon the hazing of the Colored lad. 

Rector Wisdom. I know not what your Reso- 
lutions are. 

Phelps. Permit me, then, to read them. 

Rector Wisdom. No, no need. 

Phelps. Why ? 

Rector Wisdom. I accept the Club's apology. 
{Moves toward the telescope). 

Phelps. 

Wait, wait! I have a duty to perform. 
You, surely, would not interrupt a man 
Doing his duty ? I have to declare 
The members of the Liberal Club esteem 
The Students of Eureka highly — 

Rector Wisdom. What! — 

Phelps. 

For having disregarded racial hue 
In Merritt's case, and having treated him 
Like every Freshman, since the days of 
Adam. 

Rector Wisdom. Well ? 

Phelps. 

No, not well, but Wells, Sir! Madison 
Wells! 



THE COMET 157 

I don't like the last letter of my name 
To be docked off, Sir, like a horse's tail. 
I am on record as opposed to docking. 

Rector Wisdom. Now that your duty is per- 
formed — 

Phelps. Not yet. 

We were impowered to arbitrate with you 
About the reinstallment of those youths, 
Upon conditions, honoring all concerned. 

Rector Wisdom. You try my patience! {turns 

away). 

Phelps, (following him). Wait, wait. Sir! 

Rector Wisdom, (peevishly). 
No time. 

Phelps. 

Must old Eureka forfeit every laurel 
And to oblivion. Sir, disintegrate ? 
Remember what Eureka owes to them. 

Rector Wisdom. Owes them ? 

Phelps. 

Yes, Sir, owes them, and not alone 
Eureka, but the world; for they uplift 
Their fellow-beings, nay, rejuvenate 
The human species. — Does that take your 
breath ? 

Rector Wisdom. Well, I should think it does! 

Phelps. I thought it would, 
But listen — 

Rector Wisdom. Zounds, Sir! 

Phelps. 

Where they go, they draw 

The masses from the mud-fish life of toil 

At counter, desk and anvil, bench and case, 



158 THE COMET 

To airholes, Sir, for hours, and give them 

back 
Their youth in all its wild exuberance 
Of Spirit, heart and lung and jump of joy. 
Delegates. Oo! Oo! 
Phelps. 

So much, Sir, for the world; and now 
Eureka's glory comes. Where can you find 
The peer of Fowler as a sculler, Sir ? 
Who has not seen him on the Hudson's 

tide. 
Aye, twelve boat-lengths beyond the closest 

shell. 
With cheering throngs, like tanks of oil, 

ablaze 
In a high wind, on either hilly shore ? 
And then Jack Baldwin — "Baldwin to 

the bat!" 
Oh, when the City, emptying its crowds 
Into the Diamond field, roars, roars and 

roars. 
As though it had Niagara for its lungs, 
You know that Baldwin, with two out, has 

struck. 
And that he flashes round from base to base 
To the Home plate, before the ball is found, 
And that Eureka holds the pennon still!! 
And oh! is there a College on the globe, 
But would swap off its best Professor, nay, 
Its President, for Phelps, the Football cap- 
tain 
Who may be driven to the hospital, 
But never to inglorious defeat! 



THE COMET 159 

Rector Wisdom. You seem familiar with the 

Students' names. 
Phelps. 

Much more than with the tutors, I confess. 
Their names are known to fame; the tutors' 

not. 
The Students are alive, Sir, — are a part 
Of their brisk epoch — while you know, 

the tutors. 
Entombed in their old College vaults, but 

think 
They live because their hair and beard still 
grow. 
Rector Wisdom. You have performed your 

duty, I shall mine. 
Phelps. Good, bravo! They can want no 

more than that. 
Rector Wisdom. Than what ? 
Phelps. 

Than have you do your duty, which 
Is to accord them judgment by their peers; 
In short, a "Bill of Rights," or "Magna 
Charta." 
Rector Wisdom. Report back to your Club, 

your errand vain. 
Curate, {struggling at the door with the Sub- 
Committee). 

Now don't excite me! Don't excite me! 

Don't! 
Let go, I know you bear me no ill-will; 
Still, you may be the death of me. Hands 

off! 
I have to do my duty to the Rector. 



i6o THE COMET 

Phelps. 

Don't get excited, Friend, but go down 

stairs 
And bathe your head with brandy; or, if 

you 
Have temperance scruples, bathe it with 
chopped ice. 
Curate. 

Let go, I give you all fair warning, that 
I have heart trouble, and a poor lone aunt 
With six grown good for nothings, all de- 
pending 
On me to pay the rent and get them clothes ! 
So don't excite me! don't excite me! don't! 
Rector Wisdom. What is the matter ? 
Curate, {approaching). 
Rector, on the stairs, 

When coming up in answer to your ring, 
I overheard enough to warrant me 
In stating these are your suspended Students, 
And that this gentleman is coaching them. 
Here is the money, fifty thousand dollars. 
They tried to bribe me with. Here, take 

it. Rector! 
It burns my fingers! 
Rector Wisdom, {handing the paper back). 
That is no banknote. 
Phelps, {assuringly). 

That } That is good as money. That is, 

Sir, 
The claim of Citizen George Francis Train 
Against the British Empire for the sum 
Of fifty thousand pounds with interest, 



THE COMET ■ i6i 

For one whole night's duress in dungeon 
vile, 

Duly assigned to Fenians for collection. 

'T is good as some Wall street securities 

That qualify their owners as Grand Jurors, 

Bank bolsterers, church pillars, and what 
not 

In Civic and in Ethical reforms. 
{The Colored Delegates who have held their 
breath during the Curate's recital, discontinue 
the sign language and become restless, and the 
Rector eyes them sharply and displays amaze- 
ment. The Curate hastens out frightened by his 
own temerity, but is intercepted by Fowler who 
beckons with one hand to his bride). 
Fowler. 

Hold on, young Curate! Don't have us to 
chase 

Till morning for a parson. 
Rector Wisdom. I forbid it. 

{The Curate stands agog). 

Are these the expurgated Students, Paul ? 
Gardner. 

Yes, and they have been truly expurgated; 

I found them boys and I return them men. 
Rector Wisdom. Audacity without a parallel! 
Gardner. 

It happened just this way. I saw the herd 

Stampeding, and I knew that, if I tried 

To stop them short, they would make pulp 
of me. 

I saw my only chance to lead them back 



i62 THE COMET 

Where they belong, was to swing them 

around 
By way of glory. 
Rector Wisdom. Glory ? 
Gardner. It is glory 

To have chastised Eureka's slanderers, 
The vile defamers of its President, 
Its Faculty and Students, in a manner 
To be remembered. 
Rector Wisdom. By a negro farce ? 
Gardner. Consider that, if they have smoked 
their features, 
Like glass, it was that we might look through 

them 
At Freedom in its Northern obscuration. 
Rector Wisdom. Paul! 

Gardner. They have brought the Colored 
problem home 
To the whole Nation, in a playful way. 
Rector Wisdom, (flaring). 

What! Has it come to pass, Paul Gardner! 

that 
Eureka has erupted smoke and lava 
To make a Pompeii of Gettysburg 
And all the other battlefields, now sacred ? 
Gardner. 

No, but Eureka has sent up a light 
Which, howsoever it may startle many, 
Is worth the Country's heeding; for it shows, 
The North's love for the Black is hollow 
cant. 
Rector Wisdom. What good can come of 
showing that .? 



THE COMET 163 

Gardner. Great good, 

I fancy, if it wake and disabuse 

The Black Race of false hope, and urge it 

on 
To the development of its own powers, 
The culmination of its own ideals, — 
The Star seed sown by God, — the only 

means 
By which a tribe can thrive to its perfection. 
{The Students applaud). 

Rector Wisdom. Young men, retire. 
{He goes to the telescope, followed by Gardner 
whispering). 
Gardner. 

How throw away the chance 
Of stablishing the comet origin 
Of some of earth's disorders, maybe all ? 
Phelps. 

Nothing now left us but philosophy 
Which, with unbroken smile — you know 
the rest. — 
Students. "Meets each and all vicissitudes of 
life." 
{The Rector lifts his hand nervously and holds 
it aloft, without withdrawing his eye from the 
instrument.) 
Gardner. The President wants you to wait. 

{Silence for a few seconds). 
Rector Wisdom, {with radiant features and 
in his great joy forgetting the present state of 
affairs). 

Look! Look! 
Gardner. The Comet! 



i64 THE COMET 

Rector Wisdom. Look! First magnitude! 

Gardner, {after observing the comet). 

Great! Great! 

Most wonderful in all historic time! 

Congratulation. 
{Shakes the Rector's hand). 
Rector Wisdom, {with effort to remain calm 

tn the hour of triumph). 

This pays me for the years 

That friends have smirked, and those not 
friends, have smiled, 

When mentioning new comets in my pres- 
ence. 
Fowler. 

My dear one never saw a comet. Sir, — 

Will you oblige her ? 
Rector Wisdom. 

She may look. 
Rebecca. How cute! 

A beauty! Why it wears its tail like bangs! 
Rector Wisdom. 

It was the squirrel tail that, curling over 

The head, obscured the face from me so 
long. 

I was correct in every calculation, 

Except in the position of the tail. 
Gardner. 

Eurekians! Salute your President, 

Whose great discovery will make Eureka, 

Your Alma Mater, famous for all time. 
Students, {forming a diamond). 

Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 



THE COMET 165 

Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Eurek! Eurek! Eureka! Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Gardner. 

Oh, I could die this moment, such my joy, 

Such peace mine with myself and all the 
world, 

If I were the discoverer, old boy, 

Of such a comet! Tell me how you feel 

In this, your hour of triumph. I must 
know; — 

'T is worth recording. 
Rector Wisdom. 

Paul! Oh! I could grasp 

The whole world up and just cry, look! 
look! look! 
Phelps. Come fellows! look! the President in- 
vites. 
{The students take their turn at the telescope, 
their sense of humor being subdued by their awe 
at the great discovery.) 
Gardner. What will you name it ? 
Rector Wisdom. 

I suppose The "Squirrel," 

Being descriptive. 
Gardner. No! Call it Eureka. 
Students. Eureka! 
Rector Wisdom. Well! Eureka it will be. 

(The Students applaud.) 
Gardner. 

Inform your President that no discourse 

Of his at Chapel, but will bear large fruit 

In your careers; that you espouse with 
zeal 



i66 THE COMET 

His inculcation, that the college man 
Should lead in all the movements of the 

world 
And, with his culture, shape the Epoch's 

course. 
Students. 

We pledge our lives, our fortunes and our 

honor. 
To that high purpose; we shall do our 

part. 

Gardner. Assure your President that you 
have plucked 
The hazing habit from the College grounds 
Forever, and will gladly burn the seed. 
When you are granted trial by your peers. 

Students. We so assure him. 

Gardner, {to Rector Wisdom). 

How commemorate 
Your glorious discovery to-night. 
By act more fit, and one, too, that will show 
This comet's influence is most benign ? 

Rector Wisdom. {After hesitation). 

Young men! Report to-morrow at the 
Chapel. 

Gardner. Without exception ? 

Rector Wisdom. {After a pause). 
Yes, without exception. 

Fowler. Will the good Rector now perform 
the rite ? 

Rector Wisdom. Now, who are you .? 

Fowler. Fred Fowler. 



THE COMET 167 

Rector Wisdom. Oh! I now 

Catch the full purport of your parable! 
And, truly you have placed me in your 

debt. 
A change comes over me. Its suddenness 
Is not like lightning from the azure sky, 
But like a flash from clouds, long gathering. 
You have rid me, Sir, of a load borne long 
With awful overstrain and inward wince, 
And oft, scorn of myself. Do I hold fast 
To all the tenets that my fathers taught ? 
No!! I have wanted to say this for years, 
But it, somehow, stuck always in my throat. 
I thank you for the question, that has 

drawn 
The bone out, and let me breathe freely. 
Gardner, {tearful with emotion). 

This 
Is the Discovery worth chronicling! 
How I congratulate you that, at last, 
You sight the most resplendant orb in 

heaven, 
Which every man discovers for himself, 
Or, else, goes color-blind through rich- 

hued life, — 
The orb of Mental Freedom! Here, two 

hands, 
On both your grand discoveries to-night! 
{Gardner takes the Rector's both hands and 
shakes them vigorously). 

Fowler, {escorting Becky and lifting both the 
pearl and catseye rings). 

Good Rector, we are ready. 



i68 THE COMET 

Rector Wisdom. Sir, ablution 

Before a rite so sacred. 
Becky, {to Fowler). I am glad! 

{The Students spell out the Rector's name, 
and Merritt jumps to his feet, scattering the maps.) 
Students. W — I — S — D — O — M. 
Wis-Dom. 
{They reiterate " Dom" like the beat of drum, 
and drag Merritt, the curate, Fred Fowler, and 
Rebecca into line on their parade of triumph. 
They march out, followed by the curate who, from 
his sense of duty to the Rector, must be around to 
see what is doing. Rector Wisdom goes to the 
telescope and Gardner approaches Fred and 
Rebecca.) 
Gardner. 

You have not introduced me to your bride. 
Fowler. Beg pardon. Miss Rebecca Love- 
hart. 
Gardner, {in surprise). Lovehart ? 
Fowler. 

Yes. Lovehart! Lovehart! Now recant! 

recant! 
Recant your heresy within her hearing! 
"One cannot marry Art and Woman both 
And hope for heaven on earth." 
Gardner, {to Rebecca). Oh, yes! Fred can. 
Fowler. A whitewash now for mine, while 
you two chat. 
{Exit). 
Gardner. Have you lived in Eurekaville ? 
Rebecca. I think 

That it was there my mother died. 



THE COMET 169 

Gardner. Long since ? 
Rebecca. 

Good many years. All I recall of her 
Is that her face was white and cold as 

snow, 
When I was raised to kiss her, the last one, 
Before the Sexton shut the coffin lid. 
Gardner. May I ask, what was her first 

name ? 
Rebecca! Naomi. 
Gardner. No! No! 
Rebecca, (sighing). I only learned her name 

to-night. 
Gardner, (aside). 

No, not my foolish, yet withal beloved, 

My dream of rare elysian loveliness 

That vanished, soon as seen, and left me 

to stand 
With vacant vision and a vacant life! 
Rebecca. Fred, I suppose, told you the cir- 
cumstances. 
Gardner, (dazed). He told me something. 
Rebecca. 

Such things, are of course. 
Not of much interest to strangers. Sir. 
Gardner, (gazing at her). 

Her mouth, her brow, her dimple, eyes 

and hair. 
And the swan-like erectness of her mien. 
When floating on the quickly rising lake 
Of admiration, fed by every eye! 
Oh, my imperious swan, at thought of 
whom. 



lyo THE COMET 

I nightly hailed the stars, in lingering 

dream: 
"Bright brood of boundless space! ye that 

alone 
Can body forth my pure, eternal love, 
By reason of your manyness and splendor. 
Be ye the flock to follow her for aye." 
Rebecca. Of whom, Sir, are you speaking? 
Gardner. Oh, of one 

That, born to grace the smaller lakes of 

life 
With her white loveliness, and only them. 
Became an eagle's mate, and when she 

lacked 
Wing strength to soar, drooped, till her 

long fair neck 
Sank and grew tangled with the lilies' 

stems. 
God! that this should have been. Yet 

whose the blame? 
The eagle's surely, for with sight as keen 
As lightning, and as pervious through all 

flocks 
That scud along the heavens, he should 

have known 
The swan cannot be other than the swan, 
A creature of calm water. Still, not blame, 
But pity is the solvent of the faults 
And follies of this life. Let it dissolve 
Mine with the others. Oh, the more I gaze. 
The more Naomi! She, who, scarce three 

months 
After our marriage, left my house, refused 



THE COMET 171 

Again to see me, and, without Court order, 
Cast off my name. 
Rebecca. 

She must have had some reason 
For such strange conduct. 
Gardner. 

Yes, a woman's reason. 
She thought me mad because of my con- 
tempt 
Of little social functions, teas and dances, 
All well enough for those who can be apes. 
Rebecca. A woman's reason may not be astray 
As far as man's, that goes a seeing apes 
Among his civilized acquaintances. 
Gardner. 

"Mad" to surrender to ennobling Art, 
My brain, heart, soul, day, night, year in, 

year out. 
As every artist must, who would not fail; 
" Mad " to believe a man with eagle wings, 
Should not be dragged from heaven and 

darkly cooped 
In low ambition, where the church, the 

press. 
Law, politics, are all one hungry scramble 
For the earth's vomit, gold! "Mad" to 

believe 
A wife should not bear down with her dead 

weight 
Upon the husband, but should vault with 

him 
Up to the sun, the gathered geyser lights 
Of all things knowable, or thinkable, 



172 THE COMET 

Smoothed out and rounded to a perfect 

whole, 
And be content not with a meaner perch 
For the survey of life. It was expecting 
Too much, I know. Oh, could she re- 
appear — 
But she does reappear in you, my child! 
Look in mine eyes, my daughter! 
Rebecca, {murmuring). Can this be.? 
Gardner. 

They are as wild with infant wonderment 
And baffled understanding, as your own. 
Life's mysteries make infants of us all. 
{Goes to caress her). 
Rebecca, {drawing back). 

Oh! tell Fred this. 'Till he says it is so, 
I can't believe it. How could you have 

been 
A lifetime learning such a simple thing 
As that I am your daughter, if I am ? 
Gardner. — 

I heard dear, of your birth, and that you 

lived 
Only an hour. Believing what I heard, 
For Pighead, the attorney of your mother, 
Was my informant, I went West, prospect- 
ing. 
Oh, all the gold in Colorado's hills, 
If it fell crashing, like a cataract. 
Shaking the world with its increasing 

thunder. 
Could not have drawn me, as could have 
one tress, 



THE COMET 173 

Dear, of your yellow hair, if I had known — 
{Breaks down). 

Oh, I shall choke the explanation out 
Of that vile wretch, before to-morrow 
noon ! 
Rebecca. 

Tell Fred what you tell me; for my poor 

head 
Is turning round so fast, it can't stand still 
To know one thing from another. Fooled 

for years, 
I place no faith in any seeming thing. 
Tell Fred this strange, strange news; his 
judgment, mine. 
Gardner. 

Naomi, but with eagle wings for flight 
As lofty as her husband's! Oh, God bless 
The both of you. God bless you both. 
Fowler, {entering with washed face and joy- 
ous voice). , Amen! 

Say, have you gone on with the ceremony 
Without me ? Is the groom of no account ?. 
Rebecca, {throwing herself in Fowler's arms). 
Oh, Fred! Fred! Fred! Thought you 
would never come. 
Fowler, {after kissing her). 

No finer relish, than a loved one's kiss, 

To give a man an appetite for life. 

What! a long face, and tears .'' Beck, you 

are right. 
Be in the style. What girl can really feel 
She is a bride, except she wears a face 
As long and as tear-sprinkled as her veil ? 



174 THE COMET 

Which, by the way, you have not yet, but 
will 

To-morrow morning with your whole trous- 
seau. 

From Macy, or some other Yankee Worth. 
Rector Wisdom, {coming from the telescope). 

Well, — but a moment. Is the bride of 
age? 
Fowler. Yes. 

Rector Wisdom. Let me see her birth certifi- 
cate. 
Fowler. We never thought of that. 
Rector Wisdom. 

Sir, "never thought" 

Digs many a grave and fills almshouses. 
Gardner. 

Is the certificate an absolute need, Rector.? 
Rector Wisdom. 

Well, yes, it is. The girl is very young. 

And, as you see, below the average 

In intellect and sense. 
Fowler. 

Off track, old man! — 

Mean Rector. 
Rector Wisdom. 

Judging, too, from her changed looks, 

I fancy that she has begun already 

To realize that haste in matrimony, 

Is fraught with peril. 
Rebecca. Oh! not that, not that 

The cause of my unrest and growing chill! 
Rector Wisdom. 

Besides, I think 't is time we ministers, 



THE COMET 175 

Who cry against divorce and raise our hands 

In horror at its awful inundations 

With wrecks of homes, as far as eye can 

reach, 
Should stop the flow of evil at its source. 
The overhaste of youth; that we should 

save 
Young people from the worst of foes — 

themselves — 
Where possible. I, certainly, must have 
Her birth certificate, or, else, the proof 
Of the consent of either of her parents. 
Have you the proof of such consent ? 
Fowler, {glumly). No. 
Gardner. Yes. 

Her only living parent gives consent. 
Rector Wisdom In writing ? 
Gardner. No, in person, I am he. 

This is a night of great discoveries; 
The Comet, Rector, yours; a daughter, 

mine. 
There is a Power, that in mysterious ways. 
Shapes happiness for every human heart; 
And, if it clap rough hands across our eyes, 
Blindfold us for awhile, 't is but to turn 
Us round, at moments when we least ex- 
pect. 
To show its face of love and see us smile. 
{The Rector and Fowler, astounded, stare at 
Gardner, and Rebecca fixes her eyes on her lover's 
features for confirmation of her father's discov- 
ery). 

{The Students outside are heard shouting the 



176 THE COMET 

College cry, Frank Merrttt's voice being the 
highest in pitch. The College bell is set tolling 
in welcome alike of the new comet and the new 
Era for Eureka.^ 



JAN 19 m^ 



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